cindyhouse0221
Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I fot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了 look：（我收集的10个英文笑话带中文翻译） 1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement munity. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.' 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社群。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”
Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business! Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine! Q: "What's the difference beeen a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish." Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen. If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor *** iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有乳酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片乳酪回到房间，把乳酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把乳酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的乳酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
The Dog And The Shadow 狗和它的影子 A DOG,crossing a bridge over a stream with a piece of flesh in his mouth,saw his own shadow in the water,and took it for that of another Dog,with a piece of meat double his own in size.He therefore let go his own,and fiercely attacked the other Dog,to get his larger piece from him.He thus lost both:that which he grasped at in the water,because it was a shadow; and his own,because the stream swept it away. 一条狗嘴里叼块肉,来到一座桥上.它看见水里有自己的影子,以为是另一条嘴里也叼著一块比自己那块肉大一倍的狗.它忙丢下自己嘴里的那块肉,猛力地攻击水里的狗.试图去抢它的肉.结果,它两块肉都得不到.因为那只是一个影子,它自己的影子而已.真正的肉也被水冲走了. Which do you find more important,money or friends? B:Friends,of course. A:Why? B:I can always borrow money from friends. 钱和朋友 甲：你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要? 乙：当然是朋友. 甲：为什么? 乙：我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her hu *** and, I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means You'll know tonight. he said. That evening, the man came home with a *** all package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled The meaning of dreams. 一名年轻女子正在午睡。 当她醒来时，她告诉她的丈夫，我刚才梦见你给我一个情人节的珍珠项链。 你觉得它是什么意思？ 今晚你就会知道, 他说。 那天晚上，该男子带着一个小包回家来，然后将它交给了他的妻子。 她高兴地打开了它 - 却只发现是一本题为梦的书。 补充： sentences的意思：句子，警句，定律。要根据上下文而定，你可以查词典解决。
Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似；类似 18.鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？” 英语笑话故事 He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen. If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor *** iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有乳酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片乳酪回到房间，把乳酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把乳酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的乳酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想着 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
英语笑话故事 He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen. If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor *** iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有乳酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片乳酪回到房间，把乳酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把乳酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的乳酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想着 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” Two Birds Teacher: Here are o birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
1.Two Birds Teacher: Here are o birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 2.The New Teacher Gee es from school on the first of September. "Gee, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that o and four were six too....."
新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 "乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。 "妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。" 望采纳
A *** iling boy arrived home from a dental visit,"Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities. " His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,"It's impossible --you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed! Then the boy opened his mouth --he had not a tooth left! 英文笑话：我没有蛀牙/No Cavities 小男孩儿看完牙医，面带微笑地回到家：“嘿，妈妈，牙医说，我一颗蛀牙也没有。” 妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛：“不可能——你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完，而且从来不刷牙！” 这时，男孩儿张开了嘴巴——他的牙全被拔光了。？
annielove123
笑话是以民间口头创作为主的一种文学形式,是现实生活中深受人们喜爱的文娱语体。我精心收集了80字英语短笑话带翻译，供大家欣赏学习!
Class, Lass and Ass
班级、情人和蠢驴
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day,so he wrote some words on theblackboard which read as follows: Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow.
汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked upand erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walkedback, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erasedthe l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”尘丛擦掉，将意思变为“汤姆教授明天将和改山情妇见面”。教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass”中的“l”擦掉，将意思改为“汤姆教授明天将和蠢驴见面”。看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。
Rope or Ox?
绳子还是公牛?
The man in the prison asked a new comer why he was sent there. The new comer answered," Iam out of luck, I think. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of dirtyrope. I thought nobody wanted it and so I picked it up and took it home."
在监狱里，一个人问新来的犯人为什么被关进来。新来的犯人回答说：“我想我真是倒霉。几天前我在街上走的时候，看到一根脏绳子，以为没人要了，便捡起来带了回家。”
"But it is not against the law to pick up a piece of rope and take home."
“但是，捡一根绳子带回家并不犯法啊!”
"I told you I had bad luck, didn't I?" the man sighed, "The trouble is that I didn't notice therewas an ox at the other end of that rope."
“我告诉过你我倒霉了吧?”那个人叹了核兄中口气，“麻烦的就是我没有注意到绳子的那一头还有一头公牛。”
I Could Do It Slower
我可以干得慢一些
Patient: What do you charge for pulling a tooth?
病人：拔一颗牙收费多少?
Dentist: Fifty dollars.
牙医：50美元。
Patient: Fifty dollars for a couple of minutes' work?
病人：只几分钟的活儿就要50美元?
Dentist: Well, I could do it slower, if you like.
牙医：好的，如果你喜欢的话，我可以干得慢一些。
火星的星星
1 When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!""I wasn't asleep," the man answered."Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.""I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."我没有睡着当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”2 The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”3 Where is the father?Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."父亲在哪儿？兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”4 Does the dog know the proverb, too?The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"狗也知道这个谚语吗？一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”5 But the teacher criedThe six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door."Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"可是老师哭了六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”6 Logic ReasoningA fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic."Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"逻辑推理小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。7 The doctor lives downstairs"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."医生住在楼下“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”8 Bring me the winner-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.-- Well, bring me the winner then.给我那个打赢的吧-- 服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。9 Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.我的狗不识字布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
游走老者
1.regret Little George was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. “I've lost 5 pence,” sobbed George. “Never mind,” said his dad kindly, “Here's another 5 pence for you.” At which George howled louder that ever. “Now what is it?” asked his dad. “I wish I'd said I'd lost 10 pence!” He Knows the Answer2.他知道答案Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.Who Should be Given the Present?3.礼物该给谁？A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There 4.Scales A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help.""Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers. 5.The boy's viewpoint A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group ofhappy and cheering children carrying schoolbags with the caption at thebottom: "On Their Way To School"."It must be mistaken, I bet. They must be on their way home after school. I'm sure of this." the boy concluded.6.The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:"Gentlemen,order!"The entire class yelled:"Beer!"7.Policeman:You cannot park here. Driver:Why not? Policeman:Read that sign. Driver:I did.It says,"Fine for parking."So I parked.8.The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
倾城闸北摄影
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with herprinter. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." **********Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in themiddle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring upthe Program Manager."Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."Customer: "What do you mean?"Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"**********Overheard in a computer shop:Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"**********I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax thedocument back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.**********Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"**********Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet,right?"Tech Support: "Yeah."Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,right?"Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."**********Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because ofthe icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.I don't believe it was meant to-"Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'.I don't believe in icons."Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"Customer: [click]**********Customer: "My computer crashed!"Tech Support: "It crashed?"Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."Tech Support: "Huh?"Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"**********Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets werecoming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, sheyanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.**********I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's Deskjetdivision for about a month when I had a customer call witha problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fineexcept for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges.I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothingworked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no newideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was aboutto tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repairwhen she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"**********And another user was all confused about why the cursor alwaysmoved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficultto depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.**********For a computer programming class, I sat directly across fromsomeone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She calledthe tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed,nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. Ityped, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "Ididn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me:"Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hityour keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you areanyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.**********This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typinghis username and password in capital letters. Tech Support:"OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."**********Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"**********My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staringat the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that shewas still in the same position, only now she was impatientlytapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and shereplied "It's about time! I pressed the F 1 button overtwenty minutes ago!"
