静夜玄霜
搞笑英语笑话大全带汉语
会讲笑话的人都是有好人缘的人，所以我们要多亲近一些笑话大王们。现在我也来当笑话大王啦!我给大家收集整理了搞笑英语笑话大全带汉语，一起来笑笑，收集好人缘吧!
令人满意的婚姻生活
A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."
一个男人告诉他的朋友自己婚姻幸福美满的秘密，“小事都由我妻子决定，”他解释说：“而我只管大事，我们从不互相干涉，从不生对方的气。我们从来没有抱怨、没有争吵。”
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
“听起来很有道理，”他的朋友深有同感，“有哪些事情由你妻子作决定呢?”
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
“嗯，”那个人回答说：“她决定我申请什么工作，我们住什么房子，买什么家具，去哪里度假这些事情。”
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
他的朋友很惊奇的问道：“哦?那么你决定哪些重要事情?”
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
“嗯，”他回答：“我决定谁来当首相，我们是否要增加对贫困国家的援助，怎么处理原子弹等等这些问题。”
A burglar(窃贼) breaks into a house. He sees a CDplayer that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears avoice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around withhis flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once againhe hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".
摩西和耶稣(双语)
一个窃贼潜入一户人家。他看到一个喜欢的CD机,他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说:“耶稣正在看着你。”他照着手电看来看去,嘀咕着:“到底是什么人在说话?”这时,他看到桌子上有些钱,他又拿了。那声音又来了:“耶稣正在看着你。”
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的.就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
on christmas eve santa claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel. just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000nt bill lying on the floor. which one of them do you think picked it up?
answer: santa of course! why? because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起?
答案：当然是圣诞老人啦!为什么?因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
霏霏头头
Room out high people 世外高人
When the moonhas its ownlook up 明月几时有 自己抬头瞅
I am not a casual person,but it is not people casually 我不是随便的人，但随便起来就不是人
Other people's road,let others have no way out. 走别人的路，让别人无路可走
Water to pure have no fish,people are invincible to 水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌
Give me a girl,Ican create a nation 给我一个姑娘，我可以创造一个民族
I want to love,butalready late. 我想早恋，但是已经晚了
Money is not a problem,the problem is no money 钱不是问题，问题是没钱
够不够呢 ，，嗯哼？！
【第一条】英文：Examination and many children, so that the number of honest learned cheating.中文：考试害了多少个孩子，让多少诚实的孩子学会了作弊。
【第二条】英文：For beautiful eyes, on the line, and told myself, my wife than they were.中文：对于美女，看两眼就行，转身告诉自己，我老婆比她们都好。【第三条】英文：Did you find, those who hate you, looks very ugly.中文：你有没有发现，那些讨厌你的人，长得都特别丑。
【第四条】英文：Since I will play QQ, I found my pinyin is getting better and better, the study did not have this effect.中文：自从会玩QQ后，我发现我拼音越来越好了，读书都没这效果。【第五条】英文：I have a flirt with hot chicks ability, but he is a girl.中文：我空有一身泡妞的本事，可惜自己是个妞。
【第六条】英文：I do not smoke cigarettes, is not lonely, second-hand smoke！中文：我抽的不是烟，也不是寂寞，是二手烟！【第七条】英文：Examination of people rely on strength, and I rely on the rich imagination.中文：考试有人靠的是实力，而我靠的是丰富的想象力。【第八条】英文：Abroad: Thought and ability is the key, the domestic: relationship and can run.中文：国外：思想和才能才是王道，国内：关系和马屁才能横行。
【第九条】英文：The teacher said to hear and fine, I know he's salary.中文：听到老师说又要开始罚钱，我就知道是他工资花完了。【第十条】英文：The man called the romantic love rich, rich in the coquettish woman.中文：男人情史丰富那叫风流，女人情史丰富那叫风骚。
【第十一条】英文：One, two people, three person is to fight at outrance.中文：一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。【第十二条】英文：Grandpa Mao said, not to marry for the purpose of making object is bullying.中文：毛爷爷说，不以结婚为目的的搞对象都是耍流氓。
【第十三条】英文：Brother, you have to face the resolution is good？中文：大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？【第十四条】英文：In heaven there is no white out the pie, but white out the bricks.中文：天上没有白掉的馅饼，倒有白掉的砖头。【第十五条】英文：Ideals are like the pants, have, but not everyone can go to prove that you have！中文：理想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就去证明你有！【第十六条】英文：More to their fucking great time also can not compare with idiot years.中文：再多各自牛逼的时光 也比不上一起傻逼的岁月。
【第十七条】英文：Thinking of how far, how far you roll; light how fast, how fast you roll.中文：思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。【第十八条】英文：Chinese two big characteristics: one, don't love the truth; two, do not want to hear the truth.中文：中国人就两大特点：一，不爱说实话；二，不爱听实话。
【第十九条】英文：You look very Chinese, very dedicated, very backbone.中文：你长的很爱国，很敬业，很有骨气。【第二十条】英文：Germany is the only woman, I think I must be too mean.中文：女子无才便是德，我想我一定是太缺德了。
【第二十一条】英文：If you don't like brother talk about conscience, I did not, a few days just donated.中文：你丫别跟哥谈良心，哥没有，上几天刚捐了。【第二十二条】英文：Go go go, don't waste the youth the two words, you are already the beginning of autumn.中文：去去去，别糟蹋青春那两字了，你都已经立秋了。
【第二十三条】英文：Women have two mouths, a mouth is a, a mouth to eat.中文：女人有俩张嘴，一张嘴道是非，一张嘴会吃人。【第二十四条】英文：In fact, the day classes can be short, the computer opening and closing the past.中文：其实，一天班可短暂了，电脑一开一关就过去了。
【第二十五条】英文：You have learned at school all forget, the rest is quality.中文：把你们在学校所学的知识统统忘掉，剩下的7a686964616fe78988e69d8331333361316664就是素质。【第二十六条】英文：Living half are bad luck, the other half is how to handle it.中文：活的一半是倒霉，另一半是如何处理倒霉。
【第二十七条】英文：Life can not cook, all the materials are ready was the pot.中文：人生不能像做菜，把所有的料都准备好才下锅。【第二十八条】英文：First scroll: Live meaningless, the second line of a couplet: Dutch act no courage, horizontal batch: white go back.中文：上联：活着没意义，下联：自杀没勇气，横批：白走一回。
【第二十九条】英文：My principle is: the person does not make me, I do not prisoners; if the person make me, I will get angry！中文：我的原则是：人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，我就生气！【第三十条】英文：After today, do not meet again, I am afraid to wake up every day to beat you many times.中文：过完了今天，就不要再见面，我害怕每天醒来揍你好几遍。【第三十一条】英文：What I want, is shameless. What t。
1:A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you！" 医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说："我想他伤得很厉害."医生说："我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说："我没死，我还活着."妻子说："安静，医生比你懂得多." 2：英： You can't go without me The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him. "Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts. "It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him. "But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says. 译： 没有我你们走不了 公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车，但是没有人给他让路. "喂，让我上车！"那位男士喊道. "车太挤了，你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说. "但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机！"那位男士说道. 3:Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman！" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。
这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。
如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 4:Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。
这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。
客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”
那小男孩说。 5:Dear white, something you got to know When I was born, I was black.When I grow up, I am blackWhen I'm under the sun, I'm blackWhen I'm cold, I'm blackWhen I'm afraid, I'm black. When I'm sick, I'm black.When I die, I'm still black.you---white people,When you were born, you were pink.When you grow up, you become white.You're red under the sun.You're blue when you're cold.You are yellow when you're afraid.You're green when you're sick.You're gray when you die.And you, call me "color"？ 亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。
当我出生时，我是黑色的我长大了，我是黑色的我在阳光下，我是黑色的我寒冷时，我是黑色的我害怕时，我是黑色的我生病了，我是黑色的当我死了，我仍是黑色的。你---白种人，当你出生时，你是粉红色的。
你长大了，变成白色的。你在阳光下，你是红色的。
你寒冷时，你是青色的。你害怕时，你是黄色的。
你生病时，你是绿色的。当你死时，你是灰色的。
而你，却叫我「有色人种」？ 6:Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。
那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。” 7:How Many Rabbits? Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir. Teacher: Nine? Jonathan: I've got one already, sir. 多少只兔子？ 老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？ 乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。
老师：九只？ 乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。 8:These Are My Jeans After going on a diet,a woman felt 。
I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。
售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 父亲在哪儿？ 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。
那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too？" 狗也知道这个谚语吗？ 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？” 一 Can we have our teacher back? Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back？" 能让我们的老师回去吗？ 有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。
一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？” 二 Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down. 谁更有礼貌？ 一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。
瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂贵的代价 牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科医生：是的。
但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了。
Father:do you know?Today is a great occasion of nation stanza, the anti- day is also successful!
Son:??Great occasion of nation stanza?Is just Chinese?
Father:do you guess a foreign country to have?
Son:this I also don't know, affirming is "the country is disgusted with stanza"!
Father:。。
爸爸：你知道吗？今天是国庆节，抗日也成功啦！
儿子：？？国庆节？只是中国的吗？
爸爸：你猜猜外国有没有？
儿子：这我还不知道，肯定是\"国厌节\"啦！
爸爸：。
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问："主啊， 一百万美元对你意味着多少？"上帝回答："一便士."男子又问："那一百万年呢？"上帝说："一秒钟."最后男子请求道："上帝，我能得到一便士吗？"上帝回答："过一秒钟."
I`ve Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes,dear," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I`ve just bitten my tongue!"
我刚咬了自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一条年幼的蛇问它的妈妈。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬了自己的舌头！”
