简单英语搞笑小品

英语搞笑话剧《孔雀东南飞》作者：佚名 文章来源：本站原创 点击数：7713 更新时间：2005-11-27Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)Prologue本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemywifeisWuSong.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy……L:But……JM:Neverinterruptme!L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardalldaylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand……JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyourson.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)L:Mum,I’mback!LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself……L:But,mum……LM:Neverinterruptme!L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?AndI’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“IfyoudaughterHaven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgoandtellhim.(下)L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)Act3本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J睡眼惺忪上)J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!Act4(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoandrobthewedding!A&B:Goodidea!J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.B:Haveyougotanyexperience?J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)Act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!B:AndIplantedonetree.C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---J:Giveusallyourmoney!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?L(哭状):Ihurtalot!J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)

A pound of flesh Bassanio and Shylock comeBassanio:Hello,Mr. Shylock. Long time no see. How about you business these days, I mean lending money with interests.But now I want to tell you something. Would you like to give me a hand? Can you lend me three thousand dollars?Shylock: Three thousand dollars; wellBassanio: Ay, Sir, for three months.Shylock: For three months; well.Bassanio: For the which, as I told you, Antonio shall be bound.Sholock: Antonio shall be bound; well.Bassanio: Shall I know your answer?Shylock: Three thousand dollars for three months and Antonio bound. Antonio entersBassanio: This is Antonio.Shylock: Antonio, many a time and often in the rialto(交易所)，you have rated(估价) me about my money, and I have born it with a patient shrug(我总是忍气吞声，耸耸肩膀，没有跟您争辩)，for sufferance(忍耐) is the badge(特色) of all our tribe. You call me misbeliever(异教徒), cut-throat dog(杀人的狗)，and spit up(吐痰) on my Jewish garments. Well then it appears you need my help: you come to me, and you say ‘Shylock, we would have money’, you say so, you did void your rheum(吐唾沫) upon my beard, and foot me as you spurn(弃绝) a strange cur(杂种狗).What should I say to you? Should I say dog has money? Is it possible a cur can lend three thousand dollars? Or shall I bend low and in a bondman’s key(像一个奴隶一样)，with a bated breath(低声下气) and whispering humblenee(恭恭敬敬的), say this: Fair Sir, you spit on me on Wednesday last, you spurned such a day, another time, you call me a dog, and for these courtesies(礼貌), I lend you thus much money.Antonio: I am as like to call you so again. To spit on you again, to spurn you too.Shylock: Why, look you, how you angry. I would be friends with you and have you love.Bassanio: This were kindness.Shylock: This kindness will I show. Go with me to a notary(公证人)，seal me there(在哪儿签约)，your single bound; and in a merry sport(不妨开个玩笑). If you repay me not on such a day, in such a place, such sum or sums as are expressed in the condition. Let forfeit(罚款，没收物) be nominated for an equal pound of your fair flesh, to cut off and taken in what part of your body please me. (Three months later. The day of payment being past, the cruel Jew would not accept of the money which Bassanio offered him, but insisted upon having a pound of Antonio’s flesh. A day was appointed to try this shocking case before the Duke of Venice, and Bassanio in dreadful suspense(焦虑) the event of the trial(审判)。 people: Including Duke,Bassanio,Shylock,Antonio,PortiaDuke: What, is Antonio here?Antonio: Ready, so please your grace(有，殿下)Duke: I am sorry for you: you have to answer a stony adversary(对手)，an inhuman wretch, uncapable of pity, void, empity from any dram of mercy.(我很为你不快，你是跟一个心如铁石的对手但当庭对质，一个不懂怜悯, 没有一丝慈悲心的不近人情的恶汉。)Antonio: I do oppose my patience to his fury, to suffer.Duke: Go one, and call the Jew into the court.Bassanio: He is ready at the door, he comes, my Lord.Duke: Make room, and let him stand before our face. Shylock, the world think, and I think so too, you leads this fashion of the malice(恶意)，to the last hour of act,you would show your mercy.And now execuate the penalty, which is a pound of this poor merchant’s flesh. But, touched with human gentlenee and love, forgive it, glancing an eye of pity on his losses,we all expect a gentle answer, Jew.Shylock: And by our holy Sabbath have I sworn, to have the due(应得物),and forfeit of my bond. You ask me, why I rather choose to have a weight of carrion flesh (腐肉) than to receive three thousand dollars, I’ll not answer that. But, say, it is my humour, is it the answer? What if my house be troubled with rat(老鼠)，and I be pleased to give ten thousand dollars to have it baned? What, is it a answer? Some men they are love not a gaping pig(张开嘴的猪)，some are mad if they behold a cat,as there is no firm reason to be render(回答). So can I give no reason.Bassanio: This is no answer, you unfeeling man, to excuse the current of the cruelty.(你这冷酷无情的家伙，这样的回答可不能作为你的残忍的辩解。)Shylock: I want to please you with my answer.Bassanio: Do all men kill the things they do not love?Shylock: Who will hate anything he would not kill?Bassanio: Every offence is not a hate at first.Shylock: What, would you have a serpant(大毒蛇) sting you twice?Bassanio: For the three thousand dollars, here is six.Shylock: What judgement shall I dread(担心), I would not want six thousand, I would have my bond.Duke: How shall you hope for mercy?Shylock: what judgement shall I dread, doing no wrong? I answer you: the pound of flesh, which I demand of him, is already bought, this is mine. And I will have it. If you deny me, fie(呸) upon your law!(你们的法律见鬼去吧！) I stand for judgement: answer, shall I have it?Duke: I just received a letter from Bellario, a learned doctor.Bassanio: ( to Shylock)Why does you whet(磨快) the knief so earnestly? Shylock: To cut the flesh from that bankrupt there.Duke: This letter from Bellario does command a young and learned doctor to our court. Where is he.Portia: Just stands near here.Duke: With all my heart, welcome. Do you understand the two viewpoint in the court?Portia: Of course I know. Which is the merchant here, and which the Jew?Duke: Antonio and old shylock, both stand forth.Portia: Is your name Shylock?Shylock: Shylock is my name.Portia: The case is strange, but according to the Venetian law, cannot limit you as you do proceed. (point to Antonio) You stand within his danger, do you not? (你的生死掌握在他的手里，是不是？)Antonio: Ay, so he says.Portia: Do you confess the bond?Antonio: I do.Portia: Then must the Jew be merciful(仁慈)Shylock: Why must I be merciful? Tell me the reason.Portia: The quality of mercy likes gentle rain from heaven, and mercy was double blessing, we all prey for mercy.Shylock: My deeds are desided by my head! I ask the law, the penalty and forfeit of my contract.Portia: Is he not able to pay the money.Bassanio: Yes, here I want to pay it for him in the court, twice the sum, if that not enough, I want to pay it ten times. The things I pay can be my hands, my head, my heart. If this will not enough,I would thought you were bad enough. And I ask you correct once the law, to do a great right, do a little wrong, and control this cruel devil of his will.Portia: It must not be; ther is no power in Venice can alter a law established.Shylock: A wise young judge, how I do honour you. Portia: I pray you, let me kook upon the bond.Shylock: Here this, most reverend(尊敬的) doctor, here it is.Portia: Shylock,there’s thrice(三倍的) the money offered you.Shylock: An oath(誓言)，an oath, I have an oath in heaven. Shall I lay perjury(伪证) up on my soul, No, not for Venice(整个威尼斯给我都不行).Portia: Why, this bond is forfeit(照约处罚)，Jew may cut off a pound of flesh nearest the merchant’s heart. Be merciful, take thrice the money, bid(吩咐) me tear bond.Shylock: When it is paid according to the bond. It does appear you are a worthly judge. You know the law, your exposition(说明) has been most sound, I charge you by the law, you are a well-deserving pillar. There is no power in the tongue of man I stay here om my bond.(谁也不能用他的口舌改变我的决心，我现在等着执行).Antonio: Most heartly I do beseech(恳求) the court to give the judgement.Portia: You must prepare your bosom for the knife.Shylock: Oh, noble judge! Oh, excellent young man!Portia: therefore lay bare your bosom. Are ther balance here to weigh the flesh.Shylock: I have them ready.(take out a knife)Portia: Ask a surgeon to come, Shylock, on your charge(费用归你), to stop his wounds, otherwise he will bleed to death.Shylock: Is it so nominated in the bond? I cann’t find it ,it isn’t in the bond.Portia: You, merchant, have you anything to say?Antonio: But little , I am well perpared , give me your hand, Bassanio, Goodbye forever. Commend me to your honourable wife, tell her the process of Antonio’s end; say how I loved you, speak me fair in death(从容就义); he won’t regret it he pays you debt. For the Jew do cut but deep enough, I’ll pay it presently with all my heart.Bassanio: Antonio, I am married to a life which is as dear to me as life itself; but your life is the most important than all of this. I would lose all, sacrifice them all. Here to this devil, to delieve you.(我愿意丧失一切，把它们献给这恶魔做牺牲，来救出你的生命).Portia: You wife would give you little thanks for that. If she were here.Shylock: these be the christian husbands. I have a daughter, would any son of burgler had been her husband rather than a christian!Portia; A pound of that same merchant’s flesh is yours: the court awards it, and law does give it.Shylock: most rightful judge!Portia: you must cut this flesh from his breast. The law allows it, and the awards it.Shylock: most learned judge! A sentence! Come, prepare!Portia: Wait a moment, there;s something else. This bond include no jot(少量) of blood; the words expressly are a pound of flesh. But, in the cutting, if you does shed one drop of christian’s blood, your lands and goods confiscate(充公) by the Venice law.Bassanio: Oh, learned judge! Listen, Jew, a learned judge.Shylock: Is that the law?Portia: You will see the act(你自己可以去看看明白). For as you urgest justice, be assured you shall have justice(既然你要求公道，我就给你公道)，more than you desired.Shylock: I take this offer, then pay the bond thrice. And let the christian go.Bassanio: Here is the money.Portia: Soft(别忙), The Jew shall have all justice; soft! No haste. He shall have nothing but the penalty.Bassanio: Oh, Jew! An upright judge, a learned judge!Portia: Therefore prepare you to cut off the flesh, neither blood, nor cut less nor more, but just a pound of flesh; if you cut more or less than a just pound, if the scale do turn, you die and all the goods are confiscate.Bassanio: Now, I have you on the hip(你可掉我手里)，Partia: why does the Jew pause? Take the forfeiture.Shylock: Give me my principal(本金)，and let me go.Bassanio: I have it ready for you; here it is.Portia: He has refused it in the open court. He shall have merely justice and his bond.Shylock: Shall I not have barely my principal?Portia: You would have nothing but the forfeiture, except cutting a pound of flesh at the danger. Jew.Shylock: Then the devil give him good of it! I’ll stay no longer question(让魔鬼保佑他去享用吧！我不打这场官司了).Portia: Jew, the law have another relation to you. To seek the life of any citizen by direct or indirect attempts,half of his property belongs to the citizen, the other half to the state. The danger formely by me rehearsed(你已经遭逢我刚才所说起的危险了). Down therefore and beg merce of the duke.Duke: You will see the difference of our spirts, I pardon you the life before you ask it. For half the wealth, it is Antonio; the other half to the state.Portia:Ay, for the state, not for the Antonio.Shylock: No, take my life and all; pardon not that. You take my house when you do take the prop(支柱) that does sustain my house; you take my life when you do take the means(养家活命的根本) whereby I live.Portia: What mercy can you give him, Antonio? A rope for kill or else?Antonio: I will happy if Lord quit this fine for one half. The other half I will give the lover of his daughter.Portia: Are you contended, Jew? What do you say.Shylock: I am content, thank you very much.

话剧可以不？6人英语话剧小剧本-小红帽Little Red Riding Hood第一场：Little Red Riding Hood家 Mum： (妈妈拿着一个篮子，把桌子上的水果放在篮子里） Little Red Riding Hood:(唱着歌，欢快地跑进来）Hi,mummy, what are you doing? Mum： （一边把水果放在篮子里，心事重重地说）Grandma is ill. Here are some apples and bananas for Grandma. Take them to Grandma. Little Red Riding Hood：（边提起篮子，边点头说）Ok! Mum： （亲切地看着Little Red Riding Hood说） Be good. Be careful. Little Red Riding Hood： Yes ,mummy．Goodbye, mummy. Mum： Bye-bye. Darling. 第二场：在路上 (一阵轻快的音乐由远而近，Little Red Riding Hood挎着篮子蹦跳跳地跳到花草旁) Little Red Riding Hood： Wow！Flowers, how beautiful! （放下篮子采花）One flower ,two flowers, three flowers. Wolf：（随着一阵低沉的音乐，Wolf大步地走上台）I am wolf. I am hungry. (做找东西状,东张西望) Here is a little red riding hood. Hi! Little Red Riding Hood. Where are you going? (做狡猾的样子和Little Red Riding Hood打招呼) Little Red Riding Hood：(手摸辫子，天真地回答)To Grandma’s．Grandma is ill. Wolf：（自言自语）I' ll eat Grandma. But……（对Little Red Riding Hood说）Hey, look! 6 little baby ducks. Little Red Riding Hood：(和6只鸭子随着音乐翩翩起舞) Wolf：（悄悄地藏到大树后） Little Red Riding Hood：（停止跳舞）Hello! Baby ducks，how are you? Six Ducks：We’ re fine．Thank you． Where are you going? Little Red Riding Hood：To Grandma’s．Oh, I must go, bye. Six Ducks：Goodbye． 第三场：Grandma家 Grandma： （喘着气出场，颤颤悠悠地走到床前，吃力地坐到床边，喘了几口，打几个哈欠，慢吞吞地躺倒在床上。） Wolf：（从树后出来，边走边说）I am very hungry now. (做找寻的样子)Where is Grandma’ s house? (高兴地对观众说)Aha , it’s here.(敲门)Bang, Bang, Bang． Grandma： Who is it？ Wolf：（装出Little Red Riding Hood的声音，一边得意地摇动尾巴，一边说）It’s me. Little Red Riding Hood. Grandma： (边说边起床) Come in, come in. Wolf：(得意洋洋地走到床边) Grandma , I’ll eat you. Grandma： （惊慌失措地抓紧衣服，瞪着眼睛，边叫迫从床上滚到地上） 灰狼把外婆吞到了肚子里。 Wolf：（得意地拍拍肚子，翘起大拇指）Yummy！I’ll sleep. Little Red Riding Hood：(高兴地敲门)Grandma．Grandma． Wolf：(装扮成Grandma的声音) Who is it？ Little Red Riding Hood：It’s me。Little Red Riding Hood. What a strange noise! Wolf：Come in， Come in. Little Red Riding Hood：(蹦跳着进来，把篮子放在桌子上，走到床前一看，跳回几步)Oh! What are big ears! Wolf：I can listen to your sweet voice. Little Red Riding Hood：Wow! What a big eyes! Wolf：I can see you pretty face. Little Red Riding Hood：Oh! What a big hand. Wolf：I can hug you. Little Red Riding Hood：（跪在床前，拉起Wolf的手，边摸边说）Look! What a big hands? Wolf：(从床上跳起来说)I can eat you! Little Red Riding Hood：(拼命地跑)Oh！No! No! Wolf：（追到Little Red Riding Hood，做吃状，拍拍肚子说）It’s delicious. I still sleep. I like sleeping. Hunter： (一边拿着枪，一边做寻找状出场)Where’s the wolf? Look! A door．(推门)The wolf is sleeping. Wolf：(发出呼呼的响声) Hunter： (端起枪想打，又放下)What a big stomach! (摸摸Wolf的肚子)Grandma and Little Red Riding Hood are inside .I must be hurry．(从桌子上拿起剪刀，举起) Look! Scissors. (做剪Wolf的肚子)Cut, cut, cut. Little Red Riding Hood/Grandma：Thank you． Hunter： Grandma ,give me some needles and thread． Little Riding Hood ,Give me some stones． Grandma： (从桌子上拿来针线) Little Red Riding Hood：(搬来几个石头)One, two, three. Hunter： (把小石头装进Wolf的衣服里) Grandma： I'll thread it. Hunter： (拿起枪)Woke up! Wolf：(起床，两手托着大肚子)My stomach is so heavy. Hunter： You big bad wolf, raise your arms! Wolf：(边跑边说) Help! Don’t shot me! Hunter： （开枪）Bang, bang! Wolf： (应声倒下) Hunter： The bad wolf is dead． Little Red Riding Hood和Grandma：Yeah! Thank you． Little Red Riding Hood、Grandma、Hunter（一起鞠躬）: Thank you