为爱浪漫1
英式幽默英语小笑话
1、The thief and the judge
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
法官与小偷
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉?”他问。
“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早?”
在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
2、Jesus's Telly
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
"But what's that in the corner?" asked Mother.
"Oh, that's their telly," replied the tot.
耶稣的电视机
圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。
他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。
“可是那个角落里是什么?”妈妈问。
“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。
3、What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden ?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么?
答案：锄地。(英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。)
4、On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel. Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor. Which one of them do you think picked it up?
Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起?
答案：当然是圣诞老人啦!为什么?因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
5、Did You Know Him? At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
你认识他吗? 在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。 一位客人问他读书期间，某位副校长是否也在职。 “当然了，”主人答道。“他是我见过的最大的混蛋。你也认识他吗?” “有点认识，”客人回答。“我妈妈上周六嫁给了他。
6、中间战术Midway Tactics
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.
Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying,
"Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming,
"Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign
that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”
7、猪或女巫Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。
他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪!!”
那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫!!”
他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。
要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
8、At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said,
"No-engrave it 'To my one and only love'. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的'礼物。
“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。
那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：
“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”
9、歌德的容忍
Goethe's Tolerance
Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar.
As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him.
Both of them stopped, staring at each other.
Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool."
"But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside.
歌德的容忍
一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。
碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。
两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。”
“可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。
10、The Mean Man's Party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.
Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,
"Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.
When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。
他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。
门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”
减肥大胃王
英语笑话如下Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老师：请说说看。学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
变猪猪911
1、Hey, pull my finger!唉，我要放屁咯！（美国人暗示别人自己要放屁时用pull my finger，非常地道的美语哦！）2、 I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.我才不管现在是不是打折呢！300美元买一件名牌裙子也太贵了！3、Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.哦！不要停下来问路吧，我相信你肯定能找到去那儿的路。4、Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?亲爱的，你会不会觉得这件衣服显得我屁股太小？5、Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'我们的关系能不能有点实质性的进展？我受够了“我们只是朋友”。6、Ohh, this diamond is way to big!哦！这颗钻石实在是太大了！7、Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.我们今天晚上能不能不要聊天、只看电视啊？8、What do you mean today's our anniversary?啊？今天是我们结婚纪念日？ 1、We never talk anymore.人家再也不跟你说话了啦！2、Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.嘿，你试穿的时候我来帮你拿包包。3、 Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.哦！星期一晚上看什么足球赛啊，我们来看《飞跃情海》吧！（女生超爱的电视连续剧。）4、While I'm up, can I get you anything?我起身的时候，要帮你（顺手）拿点儿什么吗？5、 Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!哦！安东尼·巴德拉斯和布拉德·皮特？我一定要看那部电影！6、 Here honey, you use the remote. 给，亲爱的，你来用遥控器吧。 1、Betty:"I fell last night, unconscious for eight hours."贝蒂：“我昨晚摔了一跤，昏迷了8个小时。”Hetty:"How dreadful! Where did you fall?"赫蒂：“真可怕！你在哪里摔的？”Betty:"I fell asleep."贝蒂：“我是在睡梦中。”2、Tommy:"Are flies good to eat?"汤米：“苍蝇好吃吗？”Dad:"I don't think so. Why do you ask?"爸爸：“我想不好吃。你为什么这样问？”Tommy:"There was one in your pie."汤米：“刚才你的馅饼里面有一只。”3、Mother:"Why were you kept after school today, Johnny?"妈妈：“今天放学后，你为什么要被留下来，约翰尼？”Johnny:"Teacher told us to write an essay on 'The Result of Laziness', and I turned in an blank sheet of paper."约翰尼：“老师让我们写一篇作文《懒惰的后果》，我交了一张白纸。”4、I was putting cream on my face when my little girl asked what I was doing. I explained that it was good for wrinkles.我向脸上抹面霜时，小女儿问我在干什么。我解释说这种面霜对皱纹有好处。"It's sure doing a great job, mommy," she replied."You are getting more of them."她回答说：“妈妈，它肯定很管用。你的皱纹越来越多了。” 小笑话出自：
绿草泱泱
英语爆笑笑话：Two roaches 两只蟑螂Two roaches were munching on garbage in analley when one engages a discussion about a newrestaurant.'I was in that new restaurant across thestreet,' said one. 'It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless,and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirtanywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole placeshines."Please, said the other roach frowning. 'Notwhile I'm eating!'两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了！厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗？”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。
