雪莉小姐的
英语话剧剧本：搞笑英语话剧：三笑三国 （7个人表演）开场介绍： Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduct the actor. The first is zhaoyun,he is the most actor tonight.and his black brother zhangfei ,and there boss liubei .don't forgot the other side Mr cao,and his adviser JiangGan,and the most strong XiaHou Dun.At last,don't forget who behind the scenes ME----the Director. 第一幕：人物，赵云 夏侯惇 曹操 蒋干旁白：就在刚才不久，一个黑大汉从曹操军中救出刘备之子刘阿斗，现在正向这里杀过来，他就是张飞！！！（赵云出场）Not too long ago,a black general saved the son of LiuBei ,Liu A dou.now,he is coming. His name is Zhangfei. 赵云：no！本人姓赵名云，乃常山子龙也！ no! my family name is zhao my middle name is yun and my given name is zilong ~ （赵云从背后拿出一坨布，代表阿斗） 赵云：看！这就是主公的最后一点骨血！刘阿斗！我从火场之中把他救出，而我自己的脸却早已……唉……化作焦炭！（顾影自怜状）look! this is the last blood of the boss ! liu e dou . i took him out from the fire ,but my face hane already ...ai ~. （夏侯敦挺着枪呈猫腰状杀出） 夏侯敦：小贼，莫跑，要不然我就大开杀戒了（冲到） Children， stop there or i will kill you （赵云左手抱阿斗，右手与之搏斗） 赵云：可恶！居然敢偷袭我！fuck,!! you bitch dare to attack me ?? （二人装腔作势打斗数招） 赵云：看我九阴白骨爪！！stop!! wait!!! one two three... nine dark white bone fingers!! 夏侯敦：唔！（倒地） oh my gad i'm over 赵云：此地不宜久留，还是快去寻主公！（下）yeah~ bitch i will go to look for my boss , goodbye~ （曹操、蒋干二人上） 曹操：没想到我们初次出兵便杀得敌人望风而逃！真可谓出师未捷身先死。长使英雄泪满襟！ I didn't expect that we can beat the enemy with our first attack.It reminds me of a poem, "Dead Before the Ship Even Sank. Long the hero Tearful" 蒋干：丞相，您说这话，真不见得怎么吉利。 Prime minister,It does not sound good about what you have said; （曹操险些被地上的夏侯敦绊倒） 曹操：咦？这是谁扔的西瓜皮？（转身，看见倒在地上的夏侯敦）Huh? Who threw the banana rind? 曹操：是夏侯爱卿。难道他又在搞什么行为艺术？？Do not Xiahou Dun?Is he engaged in what is called performance art? （蒋干上前将夏侯敦一顿拍打，二人站起） 曹操：夏侯爱卿为何要在地上装西瓜皮？？Why do you want to install banana rind on the ground? 夏侯敦：有一人脸如黑炭 手抱孩子there is a very black people witha baby in his band 蒋干：是敌人的保姆！还带个孩子！！！it Is enemy's maid with a child in his arm. 曹操：那你呢？What did you do? 夏侯敦：i i i…… i rushed to him and fight with him i'mfightting fightting fightting我 我…… 我冲上去与之打斗 打 打 打 曹操：然后呢？What then? 蒋干：丞相，看来是夏侯将军杀退了敌人！ Prime minister, it is likely that general Xiahou has defeated the enemy 夏侯敦：唔唔！（手势如下：指指门外，右手作“九”的样子，随即作全身发冷状，然后指向自己的衣服，再指向曹操，作爪击状） 曹操：然后呢？ Then what happened? 夏侯敦：no no no I was defeated he used the nine cloud white bone finger ,it's so terrible （曹操、蒋干二人将夏侯敦拉起） 曹操：如此看来，敌人应该还没有走远。咱们乘胜追击！（慷慨状）It seems that the enemy should not go far. Let's run after them. 蒋干：有时候我真的很佩服丞相您这乐观的心理……（赞同状） Sometimes I really admires prime minister very much about your optimistic psychology ...... 夏侯敦：唔！唔唔唔~！（抡起两拳，作欲与敌人搏斗状）（三人下）第二幕:人物：刘备 张飞 诸葛亮 赵云（刘备、张飞、诸葛亮三人上）旁白：这是的刘备一行人正在军营外观看敌情~~~LiuBei and his team are looking something out of his military camp.、（诸葛亮走在前面，张飞、刘备二人紧跟其后） 诸葛亮：（转头）主公啊，按理说是您走先啦！（恭敬状）old liu ah,you should walk in front of us! Is not it?刘备：不啦，军师您身后有好大块荫凉，躲在这里避避暑也不错。No，it's very cool that I stand just behind you，I can avoid summer heat 诸葛亮：（眺望状）主公，如果我所料不错，现在马上就要下雨了！liu ah,come here! I tell you a secret! I think it is about to rain! 刘备：先生神算！人所不及！不知先生如何知道将要下雨？great prediction！No one can compare with you！just wonder how do you know it's going to rain？ 诸葛亮：首先，天气预报说今天有雨；其次，（以手指前方）看天，那边有一块黑云来了！First,the weather report told us it is going to rain today;second,look at the sky,so many dark clouds are coming! （赵云上） 张飞：哇！那就是子龙啊，想不到这一会不见子龙就换了个新桌面啊！Ha! That is person who called long ah, I could not believe that you have changd a new tabletop without a minute! （张飞迎上） 张飞：子龙！ long 赵云：翼德救我！ help!!! brother three. （张飞下） 赵云：主公！云殊死力战，方保得小主人在此！只是这许久不见啼哭，怕是已经……（悲愤状，取出布包，打开并捧着） boss, i have trid my best to protect the little boss. but it have a long time to hear nothing. i am afraid... 赵云：kao！这小没良心的，居然还能睡的着！就跟他爹一样！！ oh ~ shit.how can the son of bitch get in asleep.just like his father 刘备：咳咳！（赵云转身面向刘备） 诸葛亮：子龙，不是我说你，你嘴上就是少个把门儿的，总不能啥实话都往外说啊！？Zilong,not I tell you, although it is true,you should not say it out!（刘备怒视诸葛亮，诸葛亮恍如不知，赵云上前，将阿斗递给刘备，刘备捧着阿斗） 刘备：为了你这倒楣孩子，几乎损我一员大将啊！我还留着你赶什么啊，我摔死你吧！！because of you，I almost lose a brave general！Why do I keep you alive，let me kill you！！（阿斗摔下）（赵云上前，对准阿斗狂踹数脚，诸葛亮上前拉住，赵云始终作势欲踢，诸葛亮用身体压住赵云后，走上前去一脚将阿斗踢飞） 旁白：从今以后，阿斗的智力便出现了明显的发育迟缓……This is why liu a dou is so foolish that lost his country. 赵云：咦？怎么不见关二哥呢？ yi ~~ where is brothe two GuanYu? 刘备：二弟昨天为军师摆下一个八卦阵去，不过在冲出去撞马的时候闪着腰了，现在还在休养呢！：He layout the BaGuaZhen for military adviser yesterday, but when he rushed out , he get his waist twisted, now he stay in bed. 诸葛亮：哎，太糟糕了，看我，多健康，多健壮！告诉他，多喝三鹿奶粉！（自恋状）！Oh,It is so bad! Look at me,so healthy,so strong!tell him to drink more sanlu milk powder! 赵云：就给这孩子喝成这样儿了！！！（走上前，抚摸诸葛亮，做怜惜状） so you drink to be a foolish? 曹操（在台下）：啊~！！！（惨烈地）刘备：难道三弟又重操旧业了？咱们快去看看！Did zhangfei return to one's former career ？Go to see what happen?（三人下）第三幕： 人物 张飞 曹操 夏侯 蒋干 刘备 诸葛亮旁白：时间拨回到三分钟之前，张飞大战长坂坡……Go back to three minutes before the time set aside，zhangfei fight with caocao's army on changbanpo （张飞上，在台上转一圈后，如京剧拿柱般亮相，定格） 曹操和蒋干：嘿嘿嘿嘿！（奸笑中） 夏侯敦：唔唔唔唔……（奸笑中） （三人奸笑上台）代写剧本 张飞：哇！火腿肠你回来拉！！ Wa!You, The hot dog, come back ! 夏侯敦：我靠，又一个黑人，黑人都是很牛x的，我怕了。。。 black man come again ， Blacks are very powerful，i'm afaid 曹操：阁下是何人，何以竟有如此美妙的声音！Excuse me. May I know your name? What a wonderful voice you have! 张飞：我便是那燕（yān）人张翼德！（咬牙）I am Zhang Yide from jingdu! (clenches teeth) 曹操：阉人？？原来只是一个太监……夏侯敦，上去解决他！You are the so called coward,aren't you?xiahou,beat it! （夏侯敦低头猫腰冲出） 夏侯敦：唔！唔~唔！ （二人打在一起）（定格）蒋干：丞相，这一仗咱们必输，一会还有桥断水倒流呢！快叫夏侯将军下来吧。 Prime minister, we must have lose this Campaign , the bridge will also cut off the water soon!Let's call Xiahou general to get down quickly曹操：你怎么知道？How dou you know it? 蒋干：《真三国无双叁》，长坂的任务啊！！ "Really,it is the game's duty of Three countries Unparalleled Three"!! 曹操：干啊，我看你是太沉迷于网络游戏了。这样既浪费时间又上海身体，你还是听为丞相的一句话吧！珍爱生命，远离三俗啊！I think you are too addicted to online games. What a waste of time, and It's harmful,listen to me ,You must take good care of yourself. （张飞与夏侯敦二人继续，张飞一枪击中夏侯敦） 夏侯敦：oh my gad i am over again又被打败了 （蒋干上前将夏侯敦拖回） 曹操：唉，如今这世道变了，太监都这么厉害啦！？Why does that coward become so brave?张飞：曹贼听着！今日汝等必不能生过此桥！ cao ,stops talking! Today you all can't pass this bridge with a live one! 曹操：汝休得猖狂！今日要不是我手下典韦身死，许诸拉稀，于禁肺炎，李典麻疹，文聘肝癌，张辽痔疮，才不会输给你！shut up!If general dianwei was still alive,We would not be defeated! 张飞：你手下终究无人可用！啊，面对此景次请，我真想赋诗一首——Nobody may go to battle for you ,Facing this scenery,i really want to sing a song.er, on ......On ......（音乐起）only you ~~~~~only……you…… （夏侯敦跃起） 夏侯敦：唔唔唔……（以手捂耳，跑下） 曹操：啊！（惨厉的叫声，并以手捂耳） 蒋干：啊！（惨厉的叫声，并以手捂耳） 曹操：这难道就是传说中的门得尔松的c大调《鬼叫》协奏曲！何以如此震撼！（惊惶状）Why is this so shocking!蒋干：（一手指张飞）快看！丞相！桥断了！水也开始倒流啦！！（转过身去，以手捂耳） Look, Prime minister! The bridge broke! The water also starts to flow backwards（音效：山崩地裂之声） 曹操：aaaaaaaaaa（痛苦吐血状）（定格） （诸葛亮、刘备、赵云三人上）诸葛亮：别唱啦！再唱下去就把曹操给唱死啦！Do not sing more,ok?if you go on singing,CaoCao will die because of your song!刘备：三弟快打住！！（以手捂耳）Stop,stop！！（以手捂耳） 张飞：only you ~~~~~only……you……（余音不绝） 刘备：子龙，快把三弟扛回去。Zilong，carry zhangfei back quickly。 赵云：好的！ ok （赵云上前，以手捂住张飞的嘴，扛走，张飞依旧唱个不停） （张飞、赵云二人下）旁白：从此以后有一首歌传唱至今 经久不衰，叫做：only you~~~~ since then, a song becomevery very famous.The name is《Only You》.(歌声再次响起，众人谢幕~~)。
笨笨的笨笨egg
Happiness or not, lies in a shirt, lies in a shirt wean by a happy man. But the happy man that the king has found out was pruning the vines merrily. Does he have a happy shirt? Please listen to The Happy Man’s Shirt. 旁白：从前有位国王，他有个独生儿子，若掌上明珠，可是王子总是闷闷不了，每天在窗前呆望天空。 Aside: A king had an only son that he thought the world of. But this prince was always unhappy. He would spend days on end at his window staring into space. 国王：哎呀，你到底缺什么呢？哪儿不称心呢？ King: Oh, What on earth do you lack? What's wrong with you?" 王子：爸爸，我自己也搞不清楚。 Prince: I don't even know myself, Father." 国王：哦！你恋爱啦！哎呀，如果你喜欢哪个姑娘，告诉我，我会为你操办的，让你跟她结婚，无论是哪个最强大的国家公主，还是世上最贫寒的农家姑娘，我都可以办的到。 King: Are you in love? If there's a particular girl you fancy, tell me, and I'll arrange for you to marry her, no matter whether she's the daughter of the most powerful king on earth or the poorest peasant girl alive! 王子：不，爸爸，我没在恋爱。 Prince: No, Father, I'm not in love. 旁白：国王千方百计地想使儿子快乐起来，可无济于事，王子的脸庞失去了往日光彩，国王发布了昭示板，于是一些最有学问的哲学家，博士，教授，从世界各地纷纷到来，国王让他们看了王子，并征询他们的意见，这些聪明的学者思考了一阵后，回来见国王说. Aside: The king tried in every way imaginable to cheer him up, but day by day the rosy hue drained from the prince's face. The king issued a decree, and from every corner of the earth came the most learned philosophers, doctors, and professors. The king showed them the prince and asked for their advice. wise men withdrew to think, and then returned to the king. 学者甲：嗯，殿下，我们仔细地考虑了王子得 情况，还研究了星象，我们认为你必须做这样一件事，找个幸福的人，一个完全幸福得人，把您得儿子的衬衣和他的衬衣调换一下。 Wise men A: Majesty, we have given the matter close thought and we have studied the stars. Here's what you must do. Look for a happy man, a man who's happy through and through, and exchange your son's shirt for his." 旁白：当天国王就派出大使，到世界各地去寻找幸福的人。一个神父被招来件国王。 Aside: That same day the king sent ambassadors to all parts of the world in search of the happy man. A priest was taken to the king. 国王：你幸福吗 ？ King: Are you happy?" 神父：是的，我确实很幸福，陛下。 Priest: Yes, indeed, Majesty. 国王：很好，你做我的主教怎么样？ King: Fine. How would you like to be my bishop? 神父：啊！陛下，我求之不得啊！ Priest: Oh, Majesty, if only it were so!" 国王：滚，给我滚得远远得 ，我要找得是自身感到幸福的人，而不是总想得寸进尺的人。 King: Away with you! Get out of my sight! I'm seeking a man who's happy just as he is, not one who's trying to better his lot. 旁白：于是，又重新开始搜寻，不久，国王听说有位邻国国王，人们都说他是个真正幸福的人，他有个贤惠美丽的妻子，而且子孙满堂，他制服了所有的人，国家康泰安宁。于是，国家又有了希望，马上派使臣去件他，想向他要一件衬衣，邻国国王接见使臣们说： Aside: Thus the search resumed, and before long the king was told about a neighboring king, who everybody said was a truly happy man. He had a wife as good as she was beautiful and a whole slew of children. He had conquered all his enemies, and his country was at peace. Again hopefully, the king immediately sent ambassadors to him to ask for his shirt. The neighboring king received the ambassadors and said” 邻国国王：不错，凡是人们想要的东西，我的确都有了，不过我仍然满腹忧愁啊！因为总有一天，我不得不扔不下在一切，离开人世，哎啊 ，为这事，我晚上连觉也睡不着呢！ Neighboring king: Yes, indeed, I have everything anybody could possibly want. But at the same time I worry because I'll have to die one day and leave it all. I can't sleep at night for worrying about that! 旁白：使臣们想，还是别带回这个国王的衬衣为妙。国王没办法，便去打猎散心，他开枪打中了一只野兔，但只是伤了它，野兔带着三条腿奔跑着，国王追赶着野兔把随从们远远地抛在后面，在森林外的旷野里，国王听到有人在唱歌，他便收住脚步。 Aside: The ambassadors thought it wiser to go home without this man's shirt. At his wit's end, the king went hunting. He fired at a hare but only wounded it, and the hare scampered away on three legs. The king pursued it, leaving the hunting party far behind him. 0ut in the open field he heard a man singing a refrain. The king stopped in his tracks. 国王：这位唱歌的人，一定是位幸福的人。 King: Whoever sings like that is bound to be happy! 旁白：歌声把他引到一座葡萄园，在那，他发现一个小伙子，在修剪着一个葡萄藤 Aside: The song led him into a vineyard, where he found a young man singing and pruning the vines. 小伙子：您好啊，陛下。这么早，您就到乡下来了。 The youth:Good day, Majesty, So early and already out in the country? 国王：天哪，你愿意我把你带到京都去吗？你将成为我的朋友。 King: Bless you! Would you like me to take you to the capital? You will be my friend. 小伙子：多谢您了，陛下。这种事，我根本不想。即使罗马教皇与我换个位子，我也不干。 The youth: Much obliged, Majesty, but I wouldn't even consider it. I wouldn't even change places with the Pope. 国王：为什么呢？像你这样能干的小伙子…… King: Why not? Such a fine young man like you… 小伙子：不，不，跟您说吧，我对我现在的一切感到心满意足了，其他毫无所求。 The youth: NO, no, I tell you. I'm content with just what I have and want nothing more. 国王：啊！我终于找到了一个幸福的人！听着小伙子，帮我一下吧。 King: A happy man at last! Listen, young man. Do me a favor. 小伙子：只要能做到的，陛下，我一定尽力效劳。 The youth: With all my heart, Majesty, if I can. 国王：等等。 King: Wait just a minute. 旁白：他再也按奈不住内心的喜悦，跑回去对他的随从说。 Aside: said the king, who, unable to contain his joy any longer, ran to get his retinue. 国王：快，跟我来，我的儿子有救了，我的儿子有救了！ King: Come with me! My son is saved! My son is saved! 旁白：接着，他带着他们来到小伙子身边。 Aside: And he took them to the young man. 国王：我的好小伙子，不管你要什么，我都会给你的，但是你得给我，给我，你…… King: My dear lad, I'll give you whatever you want! But give me…give me…" 小伙子：给您什么啊，陛下？ The youth: What, Majesty? 国王：我的儿子快要死了，只有你能救他，快过来。 King: My son is dying! Only you can save him. Come here! 旁白：国王一把抓住小伙子，去解他的上衣扣子。突然，国王停住了，垂下了双手，这个幸福的人没有穿衬衣！ Aside: The king grabbed him and started unbuttoning the youth's jacket. All of a sudden he stopped, and his arms fell to his sides. The happy man wore no shirt.
依锦风韵
《 荆珂刺秦王》旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman剑客 and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.Action I太子丹（上,掏出镜子梳头,做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么,人才!然后拍阿三肩膀,做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?阿三：Yes.Action II（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）荆轲Are you Li mochou?李莫愁Yes.荆轲OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.李莫愁Are you challenging me?荆轲Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意李莫愁Come on!音乐起两人冲上前来“人在江湖漂啊,哪有不挨刀啊,一刀砍死你啊,两刀砍死你啊.”李莫愁倒地荆轲大笑李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? （赢一个人需要理由么,不需要么,需要么?）李莫愁：Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right.荆轲再次大笑太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you?太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?荆柯：Sure!太子丹：How are you?荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?太子丹晕倒荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸,上面写着：To be or not to be, that's a question.阿三：Hero,we need your help.荆柯：I am busy now! 太子丹：You can get a lot of money.荆柯：I am very busy now!阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?荆柯：I am very very busy now!阿三(手指上场的美女,激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!阿三：What? What’s the TCM?荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?观众甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .太子丹：I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.荆柯（激动）：Slimming减食疗法 tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧?难道你真的想要吗……荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.太子丹与阿三（撞胯,击掌）Yeah!
