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我是豆豆豆逗

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Part 1包子和面条大打出手,但是包子因为太肉脚, 被面条打的落花流水, 于是在离去时,对面条撂下一句:‘好胆别走,我去叫伙伴来教训你'.包子就去约了煎包、馒头、面包等,准备去找面条理论理论, 就在路上遇到了泡面,包子等人于是围住了泡面一阵毒打, 泡面被青红皂白打了一顿后, 问包子为何打他? 包子回答:面条,别以为烫了头发,我就不认得你!--------------------------------------------------------------------Part 2话说泡面被海扁完以后,觉得很不爽 于是伙同米粉,乌龙面,日本荞面和炸酱面,要去找包子算帐。不料 在路上遇到了小笼包。泡面指细看了一会儿 说道:兄弟们,上! 泡面扁的更是用力。在扁完小笼包后 面族人扬长而去。后来其他人问泡面说:你刚刚扁的好卖力 我们都不知道你那么讨厌他耶。泡面说:本来想稍微K一下就好。没想到他还装可爱 还穿童装...越想就越气题目: 原来小朋友写: 原来他是我爸爸。老师评语: 妈妈关切一下2.照样造句题目: (树呀树呀)我把你(种下)小朋友写: (汤圆汤圆)我把你(吃掉老师评语: 真是可爱~~3.题目: ..一边...........一边............小朋友写: 他一边脱衣服,一边穿裤子老师评语: 他到底要脱还是要穿啊~~4.题目: 课本小朋友写: 上课本来就很无聊老师评语:上课要专心5.题目: 吃香小朋友写: 我很喜欢吃香蕉。老师评语: 小心噎到6.题目: 从前小朋友写: 小明从前门进来。7.题目: 天真小朋友写: 今天真热。老师评语: 你真天真~~8.题目: 十分小朋友写: 我今天考十分。老师评语: 我会跟你爸妈说~~9.题目: 其中小朋友写: 我的其中一只左脚受伤了。老师评语: 你是蜈蚣?~~10.题目: 一...就....小朋友写: 一只娃娃就要一百块。老师评语: 老师笑到不行11.题目: 你看小朋友写: 你看什么看 ! 没看过啊!12.照样造句例题: 你(唱歌) 我(跳舞)小朋友写: 你(好吗) 我(很好)老师评语: 你在写英文翻译吗??13.照样造句 例题: 别人都夸我( ),其实我( )小朋友写: 别人都夸我( 很帅 ),其实我( 是戴面具的 )。老师评语: 什么面具这么好用???14.题目: 好 ... 又好 ..小朋友写: 妈妈的腿,好细又好粗...老师评语: 那到底是细还是粗?15.题目: 陆陆续续小朋友写: 下班了,爸爸陆陆续续的回来。老师评语: 你到底有几个爸爸呀?16.题目: 先...再...例题: 先吃饭,再洗澡。小朋友写: 先生,再见!17.题目: 天涯海角小朋友写: 妹妹乱跑跑到天涯海角。老师评语: 你妹妹真会跑~~18.题目: 一直小朋友写: 我画了一直线。老师评语: ................19.题目:马上小朋友写: 我骑在马上。老师评语: 马上来找老师!20.题目: 皮开肉绽小朋友写: 停电的夜晚,到处很黑,我吓得皮开肉绽!老师评语: 看到这句... 老师佩服你。。21.题目: 欣欣向荣-比喻生长美好的样子。小朋友写: 我的弟弟长得欣欣向荣。老师评语: 孩子,你弟弟是植物人吗...还有一个更瞎的…小朋友写: 欣欣向荣荣告白。老师评语: 连续剧不要看太多~~22.题目: 谢谢....因为......小朋友写: 我要谢谢妈妈,因为她每天都帮我写作业......老师评语: 原来你的作业是妈妈写的!!!!!!!23.题目: 难过小朋友写: 我家门前有条水沟很难过。老师评语: 老师更难过......24.题目: 如果小朋友写: 假如果汁不好喝就不要喝。老师评语: Orz.....25.题目: 干脆小朋友写: 饼干脆脆的很好吃老师评语: (无语).......... =.=26.题目: 天才小朋友写: 我3天才洗一次澡。老师评语: 要每天洗才干净~~27.题目: 一…便…小朋友写: 我一走出门,对面就是便利商店。老师评语: 造句不要乱造...28.题目: 边... 边...小朋友写: 我的左边有人 , 我的右边也有。29.题目: 非常小朋友写: 我不知道非常是什么意思。老师评语: 不知道要问....30.题目: 因为...所以...小朋友写: 因为有爸爸妈妈,所以我才诞生在这世上。老师评语: 扣5分....31.题目: 又.....又.....小朋友写: 我的妈妈又矮又高又瘦又肥。老师评语:你妈妈......是怪物吗?32 果然上课小朋友说:昨天我吃了水果,然后又喝了凉水老师:这是词组,不能分开造句。小朋友又说:老师,我还没说完呢,果然晚上我拉肚子了!老师:........33 瓜分小朋友:大傻瓜分不清是非老师:小傻瓜也分不清34 好吃小朋友:好吃个屁老师:.......35 况且小朋友:一辆火车经过,况且况且况且况且......老师:........昨天接到一个不认识的电话,南方口音,上来就直呼我的名字!“王总啊,啊!”“你是谁呀?”“你的老朋友啊”“谁呀?”“广东的老朋友啊,连我的声音你都听不出来了?”“你是?”“哎呀,王总你贵人多忘事啊”我是真的被问蒙了,想不起来这个声音,又寒暄了半天,对方就是不说自己的名字,最后我不耐烦了,"你不说就算了" 我就把电话挂了。后来想想有点不对劲,可能是骗子,如果我把对方的声音认做某个老朋友,对方就会想办法讲故事骗钱了。我按照刚才显示的号码我把电话拨回去了。我说:“你是广东的老张吧”“对呀对呀对呀,看看,我说你贵人多忘事,连我的声音都听不出来了。”“对不起啊,老张,我还以为谁和我开玩笑呐”“王总啊,我要过沈阳去,请你吃饭,我做东......”我问:“老张,你母亲的癌症怎么样了”对方怔了一下:“哦...还是老样子”“哎,得了这病也没办法。你爸车祸的案子结了吗?”“哦...差不多了”“行啊,人都去了,赔不赔的也别太在意了”“恩”我又问:“强爆你老婆的流氓逮到了没啊?"........"逮到了,逮到了"我又问"你儿子没屁眼的手术做了没啊?"......对方憋了10秒种,没说出话来,把电话挂了一天地理老师问同学们,河水向哪里流呀?一学生猛站起来唱到:大河向东流啊。老师没理会他,接著说,天上有多少颗星星啊?那位同学又唱到:天上的星星参北斗啊。老师气急:你给我滚出去!学生:说走咱就走啊。老师无奈说:你有病吧?学生:你有我有全都有啊!老师:你再说一句试试.....学生:路见不平一声吼啊!老师:你信不信我揍你?学生:该出手时就出手...老师怒:我让你退学!学生: 风风火火闯九州哇服务员:欢迎光临肯德基,请问您要点什么?客人:一个汉堡包。服务员:辣的还是不辣的? :客人:辣的。服务员:您要是再增加两块钱就可以换成双层汉堡,可以吗?客人:好的,双层汉堡服务员:请问您还要点什么客人:薯条。服务员:请问您需要大薯条、中薯条还是小薯条?客人:中薯条。服务员:请问您要几包?客人:一包就可以了。服务员:我们现在最新推出了薯条摇摇乐,您想试试吗?客人:不需要,给我番茄酱就可以了。服务员:两包番茄酱可以吗?客人:要是可以的话,我想要两百包。服务员:对不起先生,我们这里的番茄酱是限量供应的。客人:那你跟我废话干什么!服务员:对不起了先生,您还要点什么?客人:饮料。服务员:有雪碧红茶可乐芬达,您需要哪一种?客人:可乐。服务员:您要的是大杯中杯还是小杯还是瓶装?客人:中杯。服务员:需要加冰吗?客人:需要。服务员:加冰稍微多一点还是稍微少一点?客人:差不多就可以。服务员:那给您加稍微多一点可以吗?客人:可以。谢谢。服务员:不客气先生。我们最新推出的墨西哥鸡肉卷您不尝一尝吗?客人:不了谢谢服务员:那么特价的劲爆鸡米花呢?客人:也不要。服务员:那么赠送机器猫的外带全家餐您要不要试一下?客人:不要服务员:那好,您是在这里吃还是带走先生?客人:带走。服务员:一共是二十一块零五毛先生,先生您有五毛钱吗?客人:有。服务员:好的先生,收您一百块零五毛,找您七十九块,差您两块钱,给您四张五毛的可以吗?客人:好的。服务员:谢谢您先生。欢迎您下次光临肯德基!客人:可是我点的东西呢?服务员:对不起先生,我们外带餐的包装袋暂时用完了,您在这里吃可以吗?客人:、、、、、、服务员:先生您还有什么要求吗?客人:我真的想揍你一拳!服务员:那么先生您想使用左勾拳右勾拳还是组合拳呢?客人:。。。。。。服务员:先生您还有什么要求吗?客人:我真的想桶你一刀!服务员:那么先生您想使用长刀呢还是匕首呢客人:用菜刀。服务员:那先生您是自备了还是要我帮你准备呢?客人:```````服务员:您准备砍我头还是身体呢?客人:``````````服务员:我建议您砍我的时候戴上咱们的提供的手套,以免血把您的手弄脏了。客人:``````````````````````````````````````````````老妈:这个“i don’t know.“是什么意思?我说:“我不知道”老妈:送你上大学上了几年,你怎么什么都不知道!!我说:不是!就是“我不知道”吗!!老妈:还嘴硬!!!!$@%!#$^&%#$%@$%@#$%!^%^!^%$^#&.......(一顿爆 揍)老妈:你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意思你该知道吧,给我说说。我说:是“我知道“老妈:知道就快说。我说:就是“我知道“老妈:找茬呀你?刚才收拾你收拾的轻了是不?我说:就是我知道呀!老妈:知道你还不说!!不懂不要装懂!&*$%^@$#!%$@^%#*$^^^##$%(又一顿爆 揍)老妈:你给我小心点,花那么多钱送你上大学,搞的现在什么都不会,会那么一丁 点东西还跟老娘摆谱,再问你最后一个,你给我好好解释一下,说不出来我在收拾你, 你给我翻译一下“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思?我晕倒,拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下,用头撞墙四十多下,双手轮番抽自己嘴巴 五十多下,用腿踢桌子角六十多下,血肉模糊之时,我问老妈:这下你满意吧这不她老人家又来问我了:“儿啊,i`m very annoyance,don`t tuouble me .是什么意 思啊~?“我:“我很烦,别烦我“老妈:“找打,跟你妈这么说话“(于是被扁)老妈又问;“i hear nothing,repeat. 是what意思啊“我说:“我没听清,再说一次“老妈又说了一遍:i hear nothing,repeat““我没听清,再说一次“结果被扁老妈再问:“what do you say “又怎么解释呢“我说:“你说什么“(再次被扁)老妈再问:“look up in the dictionary“是何意啊’我说:“查字典““查字典我还问你做甚“(被扁)老妈又问:you had better ask some body.怎么翻呢“我说:“你最好问别人““你是我儿子,我问别人干吗,又找打.““啊!god save me !““耍你老妈玩,上帝也救不了你!(被扁)我再问你:“use you head,then think it over,又是什么意思啊!“我说:“动动脑子,再仔细想想.““臭小子,还敢耍我“接着又要动手我连忙说:“是世上只有妈妈好的意思”“嗯,这还差不多,一会我给你做好吃的,明天再问你”【我欠乞丐一块钱】阿林在一家公司做事,有一天,他在天河体育中心门口等公交车回家,身后蹲着一个乞丐,是个三十来岁的男人,衣着邋遢,面前摆着一个小碗,里面有些一块两块的零钱.阿林向来瞧不起这种人:正是壮年,不靠双手挣钱,却不顾脸面出来乞讨.可那天也不知为什么,大概是心情好,阿林忽然想施舍钱给他,随手一掏,摸出一块钱,扔在他的碗里.乞丐点点头,说:"谢谢!"阿林没再看他,继续等车.车子快要来了,阿林打开随身带的包,谁知包里一分钱也没有,他暗骂自己糊涂,昨天在家整理东西,把钱拿出来后忘了放进去,再摸身上,兜里全都是空的———刚才给乞丐的是他身上最后一块钱!这可怎么办,离家还有十几公里路程呢,总不能走回去吧!他急得团团转,真是一钱逼死英雄汉哪,眼看着一连开走了三趟公交车,天也擦黑了.忽然,阿林把眼光对准了乞丐的碗,刚才扔进去的一块钱还在,出手时毫不在意,这时看着却成了宝贝,他不由再次打量那个乞丐,这次看清了:那乞丐的腿有毛病,是个跛子;眼睛也不大好,看人时眼有点眯着.乞丐大概也注意到他了,对他说:"先生,是不是你坐公交车没散钱了……"阿林心里一喜,连连点头.乞丐说:"要多少?"阿林说:"一块,就我刚才给你的一块钱就……就够了."乞丐从碗里拿出一块钱,笑嘻嘻地给了阿林.阿林脸上一红,朝左右看了看,确信没人留意,这才走过去接了钱,正在这时,公交车来了,阿林连忙挤了上去,可一上车就看到自动投币箱上写着一行字,说是夏天到了,从今天起车上开了空调,要加收一元钱.阿林傻眼了,这空调早不开晚不开,偏偏今天开,真是要命哪!司机见阿林愣在那里,张嘴刚想说什么,阿林不等他开口,就慌忙下了车,退回墙角,蹲下身子,真有点走投无路的感觉.这时,有人轻轻在阿林耳边叫:"先生."阿林一看,又是那个乞丐.乞丐问:"你是不是差一块钱不够坐车?"他见阿林点了点头,就说,"我再给你一块钱,你坐车回家去吧!"阿林有些不敢相信自己的耳朵,但见他的眼神很真诚,没有一点捉弄人的表情,阿林知道他是诚心诚意帮自己的,心里很感动,还没来得及多想,乞丐已经把一块钱放在阿林的手里了.就这样,阿林和那个乞丐面对面地蹲着,像朋友一样地聊了起来.阿林问他怎么会在这里当乞丐,他憨厚地一笑,说他姓周,原先跟着一个建筑队,后来摔断了腿,庄稼人断了腿日子就不好过了,在家里实在想不出挣钱法子,听说广州有钱人多,所以想在这里乞讨一段日子,如果能积点钱,就回家乡开一家小店.他说这话的时候,一双布着血丝的眼中充满了希望.阿林对他虽说不上敬佩,但也觉得他和别的乞丐不太一样.阿林说:"明天你还在这里吧?我一定会来还你钱的."然后向他伸出了手,乞丐有点惊慌,但还是迟疑着伸出了脏兮兮的手.阿林和他握了握手,说:"周先生,再见!"阿林用向那个乞丐借来的一块钱,加上原先已施舍给他,后来又要回来的一块钱,坐上公交车回了家.第二天一大早,老家有急事,打来了电话,阿林不能耽搁,立刻就走,可还乞丐钱的事阿林一直搁在心里.等阿林两天后办完事回来,立刻赶到天河,果然看到那乞丐还在,阿林心里一阵高兴,大步走过去,冲他喊道:"嗨———"谁知他一见阿林,竟然像看到鬼一样,吓得从地上爬起来,跌跌撞撞地往前跑.阿林上前一把拉住他,笑着问:"怎么了,伙计?"他双手抱头,垂着脑袋,又惊又怕地说:"是我瞎了眼,你饶了我吧,我再也不敢了……"阿林稀里糊涂,忙问:"到底怎么回事呀?"他没有回答,只是嘴里不住地求饶.这时已经有不少行人在停步观看了,阿林有些尴尬,不敢久留,只得匆匆走了.回到家里,弟弟正在唱卡拉OK,阿林心里一动,问:"昨天你有没有出门?""我带女朋友去了天河."阿林一愣:"去了天河?遇见什么事情没有?"弟弟嘟囔说:"碰上一个要饭的疯子,打了他两下……"阿林急着追问:"什么疯子?为什么打他?"弟弟说:"我和女朋友正走着,忽然一个要饭的撵上我,还笑嘻嘻地跟我套近乎.我没理他,谁知这家伙胆大包天,竟敢用手扯我……我女朋友说,你的朋友真不少呀,还有要饭的呢!我一听很恼火,就打了他……"阿林全明白了:自己和弟弟长得很像,那个乞丐眼睛又不大好,一定是把弟弟当成了自己,偏偏弟弟又是个火暴脾气,就出手打了那个乞丐……弟弟还没有明白是怎么回事,他问:"哥,怎么啦?"阿林对着他一声怒喝:"你,你混蛋!"后来,阿林再也没有见过那个乞丐,也没能把欠他的一块钱还他……长短肥瘦,任君挑选…………~~~~~~~~~希望采纳哦......

英语搞笑漫画

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注定孤独终X

有一个内地人迁居到上海,有一天,他在门口等水,来一个老太婆,上前一步就说“你在这里等死呀?”他马上说“怎么能叫等死呢?”老太婆说“哦,我忘记告诉你我们上海管水叫死!”第二天,他坐电梯,又碰见一大妈,这大妈说:“我知道你就死在五楼!”他说:“怎么能叫死在五楼呢?”大妈说“哦,我忘记告诉你我们上海管住叫死!”第二天,他家来了一些客人,家里住不下,只好住旅馆,他来到旅馆,对服务员说:“今天晚上,我们有人要死在你们这里,如果便宜的话,我们就通通死在你们这里!”1、一只鼬鼠要与一只狮子决战,狮子果断地拒绝了。鼬鼠说:“你害怕了吗?”狮子说:“如果答应你,你就可以得到曾与狮子比武的殊荣;而我呢,以后所有的动物都会耻笑我竟和鼬鼠打架。”2、猫来为老鼠庆生日,稳坐在老鼠洞口,老鼠不敢出来。忽然,洞里的老鼠打了个喷嚏,猫在外面祝贺道:“长命千岁!”老鼠们听了,议论说:“它这样恭敬,出去见一面可能也不要紧。”其中有只老鼠说:“不行!它何尝是真心来祝寿?不过是骗我们出去,正要狠嚼一顿呢!”3、一只中年灰色蛤蟆写情书给一只绿色妙龄青蛙,信中写道:“漂亮的妹妹,我喜欢你好久了,可以接受我的爱吗?”不久,收到了妙龄青蛙的回信:“尊敬的蛤蟆哥,我的条件不高,只要您穿上像我一样的绿衣服,我就嫁给您!”4、一只猫抓到一只公鸡,并想出吃它的理由。它指责公鸡在夜晚打鸣,使人不能安睡,人们都讨厌公鸡。公鸡辩解说,那是为了人们的利益而啼叫,那样可以使人们按时起床工作。猫回答说:“尽管你说的似乎合理,但我总不能不吃晚餐。”于是,毫不客气地把公鸡吃掉了。希望采纳

87 评论(15)

赵西法119

从前有个胖子,一天他从三楼摔了下去,摔死了,所以他就成了一个死胖子.有一天我在菜市场看到我二舅,就打个招呼说:买舅啊,二菜? 二舅听了叹气道:这孩子,都这么大话了,人还不会说 和领导等众人喝酒,举起酒杯大声道:"让我们同归于尽吧!"当时脑子太热了有个人一天碰到上帝...... 上帝突然大发善心打算给那人一个愿望...... 上帝问...... 你有什么愿望吗...... 那个人想了想...... 听说猫都有9条命...... 那请您赐给我9条命吧...... 上帝说...... 你的愿望实现咯...... 一天,那个人闲来无聊......想说去死一死算了...... 反正有9条命嘛 就躺在铁轨上...... 结果一辆火车开过去...... 那人还是死了...... 这是为什么呢? 因为那列火车的车厢有10节...... 虫虫:小花,你用我的铅笔了吗? 小花:没有,我没用。 虫虫:你真没用? 小花:我真没用! 虫虫:唉,你是第17个承认自己没用的人了小明在一次车祸中失去了一条腿, 小明在一次车祸中又失去了一条腿, 又一次车祸中小明失去了他的另一条腿, 一次车祸中小明又失去了他的一条腿, 其实小明是一条狗但愿能帮到你,希望采纳!

101 评论(8)

爱步loveayu

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟." Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"! 四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!" 呵呵,一个比一个效率高. Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!" My Baby Swallowed a Bullet Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ? Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody." 年轻的妈妈说:“医生,我孩子吞下一颗子弹,我该怎么办?” 医生说:“不要让他指着任何人。” Notes 1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹 2. to point at: 对...瞄准 allybaby Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说:“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问:“第二步怎办?” fool_fox 标题:I'm the boss 内容:The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" note:staff meeting:员工会议 Wife's picture A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈 martini 马提尼酒 peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看 Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了?” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?” “她是个卖糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " (1) One day at school, little Morris and little Henry had a race and Henry won. Morris then says to Henry, “you won, but I know what you lost.” “What did I lose, then?” “Your breath.” (2) One day, little Isaac says to his dad, “Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?” “No.” ”Oh, so it's you.” 1. Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue." 2. Difference "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down." 3.Too Long The travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long." 4.Charge for Bread and Butter Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services. Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services." Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter." The $1.50 was returned without delay. 5. Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 他:I'm sorry 外:I'm sorry ,too. 他:I'm sorry ,three 外:What are you sorry for ? 他:I'm sorry ,five. hey Are Directly from America Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ” He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. 'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him. 'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed. 3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.' My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?' 5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day. 'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.' 'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile. Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 英语笑话(一) Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 英语笑话(二) He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 英语笑话(三) Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 英语笑话(六)The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 英语笑话(七)Advice for "Kid" A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid." One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield." My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?" "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?" Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife?This story is told of a browbeating counsel,who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses. One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations. “I want‘yes’or‘no,’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!” “But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no,’”mildly responded the witness. “There are not!” snapped the lawyer. “Oh,” said the witness,“answer this then:“Have you ceased beating your wife?” Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

157 评论(9)

小小追风者

樱兰高中公关部

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仗剑拂衣去

萝莉的时间(Kodomo No Zikan) Myself_Yourself 鬼太郎(Kitaro) 逮捕令_全速前进(You_Are_Under_Arrest) 物怪(Mokke) 君吻(kimikiss pure rouge) 飞天小女警(The Powerpuff Girls) Prism_Ark 出租魔法使(Rental_Magica) 冒险岛(MapleStory) 神灵狩(Ghost_Hound) 天使们的戏曲(Blue Drop) 紫音之王(Shion_no_Ou) 奥特曼剧场版 诗片(Uta-Kata) 猫和老鼠(Tom and Jerry) 勇者传说(Brave Story) 东京魔人学园剑风帖(Tokyo Majinle) 阴守忍者(kage_kara_mamoru) 怪物(MONSTER) 枪神(TRIGUN) 攻壳机动队2(Ghost in the Shell 2nd) 攻壳机动队1(Ghost in the Shell 1st) 幻想传说(TALES OF PHANTASIA) 间奏曲(Interlude) 樱花大战(Sakura_Wars) 新撰组异闻录-铁(PEACE MAKER) 梦幻妖子(Ayashi no Ceres) 棒球大联盟2(Major_2nd) 棒球大联盟1(major 1st) 天空战记(syurato) 月光之旅(Moonlight Mile) 初瓣(Hitohira) 爆裂天使(Bakuretsu_Tenshi) 星之海洋(光剑星传) 南瓜剪刀(Pumpkin Scissors) 小小雪精灵(Snow Sugar) 兽装机攻(DANCOUGA NOVA) 凉风(Suzuka) 银河英雄传说(Legend Of The Galactic Heroes) 现视研(Genshiken) 风之圣痕(kaze_no_stigma) 009-1 School Days 处女任务(VIRGIN MISSION) 搞笑漫画日和(gyagumanga) 妄想代理人(Paranoia Agent) 双面骑士(Chevalier) 赝品画廊(Gallery Fake) 小女神花铃(kamityama karin) 精灵守护者(Seirei no Moribito) 伊里野的天空-UFO之夏(Iriya no Sora UFO no Natsu) 调酒师(Bartender) 迷糊女战士(EXCEL SAGA) 隋唐英雄传 风之少女艾米莉(Emily of New Moon) 萌之英语单词(Moetan) 女神候补生(CandidateForGoddess) 桃华月惮(momotsuki) 瓶诘妖精(Bottle fairy) 蛋黄酱萝莉(Potemayo) 剑勇传说(Kenyuu Densetsu) 狼雨(Wolf's Rain) 美少女学院(koikoi7) 失落的宇宙(The Lost Universe) Sola LOVELESS 偶像大师(XENOGLOSSIA) 同人WORK(DoujinWork) 七色星露(Nanatsuiro_Drops) 英雄时代(Heroic Age) 幸运星(LuckyStar) 僵尸借贷(Zomeie_Loan) 精灵守护者(Seirei no Moribito) 健康全裸系水泳部(Kenko_Zenakei_Suieibu_Umisho) 寒蝉鸣泣之时.解(Higurashi_kai) 永生之酒(Baccano) 天之少女(Sky_Girls) 零秒出手(Buzzer Beater) 绝望先生(Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei) 虫之歌(Mushiuta) 家庭教师(Katekyo Hitman REBORN) 怪-化猫(mononoke) 鬼泣(Devil May Cry) 天元突破.红莲之眼(GurrenLagann) 零之使魔.双月骑士(Zero_tsukaima_Futatukinokishi) 濑户之花嫁(Seto_no_Hanayome) 怪物王女(Kaibutsu_Oujyo) 海贼王(ONE PIECE) 家有贱狗(BOW WOW) 玻璃假面(garasu no kamen) 相聚一刻(Maison Ikkoku) 驱魔少年(D-Gray-Man) 不公正抽签(Kujibiki Unbalance) 鬼眼狂刀(Samurai Deeper Kyo) 女生万岁(GIRLS BRAVO) 风之圣痕(kaze_no_stigma) 死神的歌谣(Momo the girl god of death) 基诺之旅 童话枪手小红帽(Fairy Musketeers) 创圣的大天使(Sousei no Aquarion) 恋爱天使安琪莉可(Angelique Etoile) 斗牌传说(Akagi) 圣洁的维纳斯(INNOCENT VENVS) 废弃公主(scrapped princess) 小孩子的玩具(komodo no omocha) 侦探学园 Q(Tantei Gakuen Q) 魔力女管家(Mahoro Matic) 魔法先生/魔法老师(Magister Negi Magi) 老婆是魔法少女(mahousyoujo) 四圣兽(Saint Beast) 光明之泪(Shining Tears) 桃华月惮(momotsuki) 蓝兰岛漂流记(Airantou) 骷髅男(The_Skull_Man) 神曲奏界(Polyphonica) 钢铁三国志(Koutetsu Sangokushi) 黄金宝贝 天使的尾巴(Angel's Tail) 一骑当千(IKKI TOUSEN) 成惠的世界(Narue No Sekai) 恋爱情结(Lovely_Complex) 遥远时空中-八叶抄(Haruka Hachiyou Shou) 东京地下城(Tokyo Underground) 手机少女(Keitai Shoujo) 美鸟日记(Midori No Hibi) 旋风管家(hayatenogotoku) 黑之契约者(Darker than BLACK) 蓝龙(Blue Dragon) 火箭女孩(Rocket Girl) 机魂末世录(TEXHNOLYZE) 神圣十月(Saint October) 十二国记(12kokuki) 数码兽拯救者(Digimon Savers) Is Pure 美少女战士(SailorMoon) 北斗神拳(Fist Of The North Star) 交响情人梦(Nodame Cantabile) 武装炼金(BusouRenkin) 魂链(Soul Link) Happiness! 甜蜜偶像(Lovely Idol) 反叛的鲁路修(Code Geass) 彩虹的浪漫(Gift eternal rainbow) 奏光之strain(Soukou no Strain) 日式面包王(Yakitate Japan) 爱丽丝学园(aGakuen Alice) 强殖装甲(guyver) 我为歌狂

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