培训中紧张的笑话英语

英语笑话（一） 　　老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 　　小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 　　老师说：Go ahead. 　　小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 　　老师说：Go ahead. 　　小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 　　小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！ 　　英语笑话（二） 　　某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！ 　　英语笑话（三） 　　江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。 　　翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere." 　　翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 　　英语笑话（四） 　　话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」 　　B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」 　　轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」 　　英语笑话（五） 　　某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry. 　　老外应道：I am sorry too. 　　某人听后又道：I am sorry three. 　　老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 　　某人无奈，道：I am sorry five. 　　英语笑话（六） 　　一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！” 　　后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！” 　　日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！” 　　英语笑话（七） 　　英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思” 　　学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？” 　　老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？” 　　这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。” 　　英语笑话（八） 　　某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。 　　该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。 　　签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“ 　　该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“ 　　男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.” 　　英语笑话（九） 　　一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。 　　他不放心的问道:turn left？ 　　监考官回答：right. 　　于是他立刻向右转。 　　很抱歉他只有下次再来。

下面是我整理的经典幽默 英语笑话 ，欢迎大家阅读! 　　经典幽默英语笑话：The New Baby 　　Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. 　　Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. 　　One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，said Mr.Taylor. 　　Pat came into the room just then and said，What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，his mother answered. 　　It's no use，said Pat hopelessly. He'll follow us there. 　　新生儿 　　泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 　　帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 　　一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。 　　帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：你们在说什么?他的母亲回答说：我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。 　　那没用，帕特绝望地说。他会跟我们到那儿去的。 　　经典幽默英语笑话：What Are The Two Words? 　　A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.My dear， said the old lady，I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? 　　Why，sure，Granny，said the girl.What are the two words? 　　是哪两个词? 　　一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说：我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗? 　　噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词? 　　经典幽默英语笑话：What's your name? 　　A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:My name is Stone,and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble.Don't try any tricks with me ,and then we'll get on well together 　　Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,He said,and don't forget to call me 'sir'. 　　Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,When I ask you a question,answer it!I'll ask you again:What's you name,soldier? 　　The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.My name is Stonebreaker,sirhe said nervously. 　　你叫什么名字? 　　有一位很严厉的军官在对一群交由他训练的新兵训话。他以前从没见过这群新兵，于是他开始 自我介绍 ：我的名字叫Stone(石头)，事实上，我甚至比石头更强硬。这就是我为什么要告诉你们我名字的原因。不要试图对我玩什么花招，这样我们就能很好相处了。 　　接着他开始走到每个士兵前面问他们的名字。说大声点，让每个人都能听清楚。另外，不要忘记称呼我为长官。他说。 　　每个士兵都对他说了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前时，这个士兵保持着沉默。于是Stone队长对他喊叫，当我问你问题的时候，要回答!我再问一遍，你的名字，士兵? 　　那个新兵很不高兴，但最后他回答了。我的名字是Stonebreaker(碎石机)，长官。他紧张的说。 　　经典幽默英语笑话：No Problem 　　A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. How can I help you? asked the stylist. I went for a hair transplant, the guy explained, but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000. 　　No problem, said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head. 　　没问题 　　一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里。发型师问：有什么可以帮你吗?那个人解释说：我本来去做头发移植，但实在太痛了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样，而且没有任何痛苦，我将付给你5000美元。 　　没问题，发型师说，然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。 　　经典幽默英语笑话： 　　The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced，a hitch arose over the fee，and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was com pleted， the patron was asked to come and inspect it.As a matter of fact，the picture was just one daub of brilliant red. 　　What's this? exclaimed the purchaser.I asked for theRed Sea， on the occasion of the celebrated passage. 　　That's it，replied Hogarth. 　　But，where are the Israelites? 　　They are all gone over. 　　Where are the Egyptians? 　　They're all drowned. 　　一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。 　　这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。 　　这就是，霍迦斯回答说。 　　可是以色列人在哪儿? 　　他们都已经渡过去了。 　　埃及人在哪儿? 　　他们全都淹死了。 　　经典幽默英语笑话：人们什么时候说话最少? 　　Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom? 　　老师: 汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么? 　　Tom: Men. 　　汤姆:男人们。 　　Teacher: Good. And the plural of child? 　　老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢? 　　Tom : Twins. 　　汤姆: 双胞胎。 　　经典幽默英语笑话：我丈夫刚进来 　　The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over. 　　在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇，他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时，服务员马上跑了过来。 　　“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.” 　　“夫人，您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。” 　　“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.” 　　“不，他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。” 　　经典幽默英语笑话：有两条裤子 　　A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 　　丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。” 　　“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” 　　“没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。” 　　“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.” 　　“是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”

1. VirtueMany years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."美 德获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”2. Difference"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."区 别“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”3.Too LongThe travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long."太久一家报纸的旅行版编辑打开电话，说她终于决定要采用一篇我几年前写的文章。她想确定那旅游信息是否还可靠。“我还想确定，”她怯怯地坦白道：“您是否还健在。每次发现作者已经不在人世了，我才知道我将文章压得太久了。”4.Charge for Bread and ButterSome years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."The $1.50 was returned without delay.面包和黄油费几年前，我当律师的爸爸带我去纽约的一家高档餐馆。帐单上来时，上面有1.5美元的面包和黄油费。爸爸付了帐，连同面包和黄油的收费一齐付了。但是第二天，他给餐馆寄了一封信，说那项收费是没有道理的。随信还寄上了一张500美元的法律服务机构的收费单。餐馆马上打来电话，问道：“这500美元的收费单是怎么回事？我们从来没有要什么法律机构的服务。”爸爸答道，“我也从来没有要什么面包和黄油。”那1.5美元立即就寄了回来。5. Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.""That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”英文谚语大全 bird loves to hear himself sing. 鸟儿都爱听自己唱歌。Each day brings its own bread. 天无绝人之路。Each man is the architect of his own fate. 命运掌握在自己手中。Eagles catch no flies. 大人物不计较小事情。Eagles fly alone, but sheep flock together. 鹰单飞，羊群集。Early mistakes are the seeds of future trouble. 早期的错误可以酿成日后的麻烦。Early sow, early mow. 播种早的收获早。Early start makes easy stages. 早开始是成功的保证。Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. 早睡早起，令人健康、富有而且聪明。

When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?""Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly. "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?" 约会 在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？” Logic Reasoning A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?" 逻辑推理 小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？” [注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。