儿童英文笑话

one car come one car go two carpengpeng people die

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. 回答者：zouhb05 - 见习魔法师 二级 9-15 20:58Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling? Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed up the buttonhole. 丈夫：你给我把扣子缝好了吗，亲爱的？妻子：没有，亲爱的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼儿给缝上了。Father and son Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 儿子：爸爸，听说在非洲的一些地方男人在结婚前根本不认识他的妻子。父亲：孩子，实际上所有的国家都是这样的。A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it .She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes.Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do ?" Yelled back the father ,"Keep feeding him nickels!" 母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道： “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？“ 孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚五分镍币！”But the teacher cried The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn’t cry, but the teacher did!" 可是老师哭了 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？” “哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。” A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."学校即将开始性教育课程，每个学生都要先回去证得父母的同意，方能学习此课程。一个小男孩把他父母的同意纸条交给老师说：“我妈妈说了，只要这个课没有家庭作业，我就可以上。” Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor? Smith: Yes, I'm having three baths a day. Brown: What for? Smith: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read: "One tablespoonful to be taken three times a day in water." 布朗：见到你身体这么不好真令人难过.你去看过医生吗? 史密斯：看过,我现在已经在一天洗三次澡. 布朗：为什么? 史密斯：我也不知道,这是医生的嘱咐.他给了我一些药并告诉我要按照药瓶上的说明去做.说明上面写着"一天三次在水中服一汤匙". A woman got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was to take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, a lady－one of the woman's friends came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh you have to roll up the windows first!" 一位女士把车撞了一个坑,于是就去修车。 修理工决定幽她一默。他告诉她,她只需把车开回家,然后从排气管里往车里吹气,直到凹陷处自己鼓起来。 这位女士如法操作了15分钟。这时,她的一位女性朋友来拜访她,并问她在做什么。 “我正在试着让那个坑鼓起来,但这个办法似乎并不管用。” “嗯……你必须先把车窗摇上去！” A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,"Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities. " His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,"It’s impossible --you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed! Then the boy opened his mouth --he had not a tooth left! 小男孩儿看完牙医，面带微笑地回到家：“嘿，妈妈，牙医说，我一颗蛀牙也没有。” 妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛：“不可能??你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完，而且从来不刷牙！” 这时，男孩儿张开了嘴巴??他的牙全被拔光了。That's what I want to find out -- We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him? -- Well, I don't know. Does he bite? -- That's what I want to find out. -- 我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？-- 哦， 我不知道。他咬人吗？-- 这正是我想要知道的。 When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。” Different Audience Al Smith was governor of New York State． He was a fa mous man． He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City． He had little education． He worked very hard and won great success． One day， as governor， he was visiting the state prison at Sing Sing． Sing Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States． The head of the prison asked Mr． Smith to say some thing to the prisoners． Mr． Smith had never spoken to thiskind of audience before．He did not know how to begin．Finally， he said，“My fellow citizens…．” Then he re mem bered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen． He began again．“My fellow prisoners…．” That did not sound right， so he said：“Well， anyway， I'm glad to see so many of you here today．”阿尔·史密斯是纽约州的州长。他是个名人。他出生在 纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他读书不多，但是他工作勤奋， 终于获得了很大的成就。有一天，作为州长，他访问星星州立监狱。星星监狱是全美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯们说几句话。史密斯先生以前从来没有对这一类听众讲过话。他不知道该怎样开口。最后，他说：“我亲爱的公民们……”接着他想起一个人蹲进监狱就不再是公民了。他重新开始：“我亲爱的囚犯们……”那听起来也不对劲儿，于是他说：“噢，无论如何，今天在这儿见到你们这么多人，真是太高兴了。”

Test paper is locked in my drawer！Review your lessons carefully after going back home！

六一国际儿童节笑话英文 考试之前老师和学生的对白 Everybody！Examination is coming tomorrow！ 同学们，明天就要考试了！ Test paper is locked in my drawer！Review your lessons carefully after going back home！ 试卷就在我抽屉里锁着，回家要好好复习功课！ Any question？ 谁还有什么问题？ Yes！Where is the key of the drawer？ 有！您抽屉的钥匙在哪儿？ ============ 〃If I sold my house and my car，had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor，would I get into heaven？〃I asked the children in my Sunday school class. 〃No！〃the children all answered. 〃If I cleaned the church everyday，mowed the yard，and kept everything nea tand tidy，would I get into heaven？〃 Again，the answer was，〃No！〃 〃Well，〃I continued，〃then how can I get into heaven？〃 A five-year-old boy shouted out，〃You gotta be dead！〃 “如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖，并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗？”我问主日学校(教堂在周日开设的儿童宗教班级)的孩子。 孩子们齐声回答：“不能！” “那如果我每天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗？” 回答还是：“不能！”“好吧，”我继续问，“那我要怎样才能升天堂呢？” 一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行！” =============== 1：某次英文考试有两道题目： 1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。 2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。 正确答案应为： 1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone. 2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up. 但是某生的答案是： 1）Shit! 2）Hello? 2：老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money. 并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊! 3：某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！ 江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：“Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful.“翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文： “Where? Where? 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：“Everywhere,everywhere.“翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。 翻译赶紧翻成英文：“You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see.“ 4：话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。 A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿！」 B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特！」 轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」 5：一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY ‘I LOVE YOU!!’SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!” 6：一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？监考官回答: right. 于是他立刻向右转…… 7：某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too. 某人听后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five. 8：某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。 签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?”男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female. 9：上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。 考试之前老师和学生的对白 Everybody！Examination is coming tomorrow！ 同学们，明天就要考试了！ Test paper is locked in my drawer！Review your lessons carefully after going back home！ 试卷就在我抽屉里锁着，回家要好好复习功课！ Any question？ 谁还有什么问题？ Yes！Where is the key of the drawer？ 有！您抽屉的钥匙在哪儿男：What time is it now? 女：It’s nine. 男：Let’s go to bed. 女：We go to bed at nine. 全班绝倒。 10：一次为一个初中小孩搞家教，在其英语课本上发现如下恐怖字眼：爸死（bus）爷死( yes )哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）

I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 父亲在哪儿？ 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?" 狗也知道这个谚语吗？ 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。 “没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？” 一 Can we have our teacher back？ Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?" 能让我们的老师回去吗？ 有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？” 二 Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down. 谁更有礼貌？ 一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。 三 Expensive Price Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂贵的代价 牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多." The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him."Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts."It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him."But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路."喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道."车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说."但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道. One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

考试之前老师和学生的对白 Everybody！Examination is coming tomorrow！ 同学们，明天就要考试了！ Test paper is locked in my drawer！Review your lessons carefully after going back home！ 试卷就在我抽屉里锁着，回家要好好复习功课！ Any question？ 谁还有什么问题？ Yes！Where is the key of the drawer？ 有！您抽屉的钥匙在哪儿