二人搞笑英语相声

A: well, this is not small X? 甲：唷，这不是小X吗？B: well, is a small X ah, what are you doing recently? 乙：唷，是小X啊，最近忙什么哪？A: hi, do not have what matter, play chess, old didn't see you he, is he ok? 甲：嗨，没啥事，下下象棋，老没见你们老爷子了，他还好吗？B: Joe your blessing, also is hale and hearty. 乙：托您福，还硬朗着呢。A: your father also like playing chess.甲：你爸爸也喜欢下象棋。B: yes, it is乙：是啊A: don't, before I'm old and your father play chess.甲：可不，以前我老和你爸爸下棋。B: that's right 乙：没错A: once we both play chess, I still remain a then, your father still remain a like... 甲：有一回我们俩下棋，我还剩一士，你爸爸还剩一象。。。B: that's not a draw?乙：那不和棋了吗？A: yes, as I am also a draw, but your father not stem, must then down not?甲：是啊，依着我也是和棋，可你爸爸不干，非得接着下不可？B: ah??????? How do the next?乙：啊？？那怎么下呀？A: ha ha, your father has idea. 甲：呵呵，你爸爸有主意。B: any idea? 乙：什么主意？A: your dad said "don't let's and the like are!" 甲：你爸爸说了“要不咱们士象都过河吧。”甲：B: never heard of it! 乙：没听说过！A: then what your father like just across the river, I taxi also across the river, you dad took his like like me, I will take my taxi and your father... Your dad to like me, and I'll then your father, your father like me, I and your father, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa... 甲：然后呢你爸爸的象就过河了，我的士也过河了，你爸爸就拿他的象象我，我就拿我的士士你爸爸。。。你爸爸再象我，我再士你爸爸，你爸爸象我，我士你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸。。。。。。。。。B: go to your!!!!!乙：去你的吧！！

Campus comic -- "campus"甲：亲爱的同学们，我想死你们了。A: my dear classmates, I miss you.乙：先向大家作一下介绍。B: first we introduce.甲：我叫王迈达。A: my name is Wang Maida.乙：我叫黄映翔。B: my name is Huang Yingxiang.甲：yb，你是新生吧，以后有什么需要我帮忙的尽管说，学长我一定会尽力而为的。A: Yb, you are a freshman, after what I need help though say, I will do everything in one's power of students.乙：哦，一定一定。老大，你成绩好吗？B: Oh, sure. Boss, you get good grades?甲：马马乎乎。A: Mama huhu.乙：那你成绩为什么这么好呢？B: that you why so good?甲：因为我是从“竹板炒肉丝”的惨痛经历中磨练出来的，我已经深刻体会到：落后就要挨打。A: because I am a honed from "the bitter experience heavy bamboo slats fried shredded pork", I have a profound experience: behind will be beaten.乙：哎，英雄所历略同呀。B: Hey, hero history summary.甲：能具体点吗？A: can the specific point?乙：80分以下女子单打，70分以下男子单打，60分以下男女混合双打。B: 80 points following the women's singles, men's singles 70 points, 60 points below the mixed doubles.甲：这怎么说？A: how do you say this?乙：80分以下老妈揍我，70分以下老爸揍我，60分以下老爸老妈一起揍我。B: 80 points below mom beat me, dad hit me below 70 points, 60 points below the beat with my mom and dad.甲：你就是在这种环境下成长起来的吗？A: you are in this environment to grow up?乙：谁在乎我的心里有多苦，谁在意我的明天去何出。B: who cares about me, how hard the heart, who will care about my tomorrow to go to where the.甲：哎呀我可怜的学弟呀，不过没事的，你的肌体早晚会磨练成金刚不坏之身的,到时候你就会永垂不朽了。A: Oh, my poor brother ah, but all right, your body will temper as unscathed, but you will go down to posterity.乙：哎学长，早就听说你的学习是鸡立鹤群，独占鳖头呀，就给我介绍介绍你的学习方法吧。B: Hey sir, had heard that your learning is chicken standing cranes, exclusive turtle head ah, you introduce me to your way of learning.甲：昨夜寒蛩不住鸣，惊回夺魁梦，已三更，起来凉水冲冲脸，再拼命，几挑窗前灯，一心为功名。窗前白叶落，阻征程，欲把心事付瑶琴，不可能，根本没空。A: Han Ming could not last night cricket, scared to dream up past midnight, title, cold water in the face, then desperately, few pick window headlights, one for the fame. The window of white leaves, resistance to your journey, Fu Yaoqin, could not, did not empty.乙：可我就是学不好，再熬夜也学不好。B: I can not learn, then stay up all night is not good.甲：你白天学，晚上学，吃饭学，上厕所也学，干什么都要想着学习学习再学习。A: you day school, night school, dinner, the toilet, stem what want to learn and learn again.乙：那哪成啊，晚上学一夜，白天就只好睡觉。吃着饭看书，我两次把饭塞进鼻孔里，三次把饭塞进耳朵里，四次把饭塞进别人的嘴里。上厕所看书，我怕呀。B: so what ah, night, night, to sleep during the day. Eat to read a book, I two put the meal into nostrils, three times the rice into his ear, four times the rice into the other's mouth. Go read a book, I am afraid.甲：怕什么？A: what are you afraid of?乙：我怕掉进去，我不会在那里游泳啊。B: I'm afraid fall into, I will not swim there.甲：那你在学校都干些什么？A: you in the school all to do what?乙：我在学校，蹦蹦跳跳，哭哭笑笑，打打闹闹，撞墙上吊，白天睡觉夜里放炮，没事了钻到床底下跟老鼠乱咬。B: I was in school, bounce, laugh or cry, Dadanaonao, wall hanging, sleeping during the day, night shooting, nothing to get under the bed with the mouse bite.甲：学习不刻苦，不如回家卖红薯，学习不努力，不如回家去种地。算了，别在这受苦受累了，回家去吧。A: don't study hard, it is better to sell sweet home, don't study hard, as home to farm. Well, don't suffer, go home.乙：哎……你这是什么话，你有什么了不起，不就是学习好点嘛，我要搞的你们家鸡犬不宁。B: hey...... What are you talking about, you have what fantastic, is not to learn a good point, you jiquanbuning home I get.甲：你想怎么样？A: what do you want?乙：我往你们家打电话。喂，请问是王迈达的母亲吗，告诉你一个不幸的消息，可爱的王迈达同学于昨天上午被车撞了一下，又被石头砸了一下，被驴踢了一下，还被狗咬了一口，现在正在医院抢救。B: I call you home. Hello, is that Wang Maida's mother, tell you a sad news, lovely classmates yesterday morning Wang Maida was hit by a bus, it is stone hit, kicking ass, was bitten by the dog, is now in the hospital rescue.甲：地点？A: location?乙：黑龙江乌鲁木齐。B: Heilongjiang Urumqi.甲：说这么远干什么？A: so far stem what?乙：让她坐着车慢慢找去吧，把车费全搭进去。B: let her sit car slowly look, the fare all take in.甲：好吧，算你狠，大家都听着，谁家有这样的电话都找他，都是他干的。A: OK, you win, you listen, who have this phone for him, all he did.乙：说实在的，我学习确实有困难。B: to tell the truth, I really have difficulty learning.甲：有什么困难？A: what are the difficulties?乙：我一看书就发困，就渴就饿，就想上厕所。B: I read a book on the sleepy, thirst hungry, they want to go to the toilet.甲：这好办呀。A: that's easy.乙：咋办？B: what?甲：渴了饿了喝红牛，困了累了还喝红牛，尿频尿急也喝红牛。红牛红牛，不红也牛。A: thirsty and hungry drink Red Bull, sleepy and tired also drink Red Bull, frequent urination and drinking Red Bull. Red Bull Red Bull, not red cattle.乙：可是我们家只有黄牛没有红牛。B: but our cattle not only Red Bull.甲：算了，我还是给你讲几个故事激发一下你的学习兴趣吧。A: Well, I give you some of the stories to stimulate your interest in learning.乙：故事我爱听。B: I like the story.甲：你听过车胤囊萤，孙康映雪，匡衡凿壁偷光吗？A: have you ever heard of Chen Yin capsule firefly, assiduous diligently, stealing light?乙：没听说过，怎么回事？B: never heard of, how to return a responsibility?甲：车胤呢，小时侯非常爱读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没钱买灯，于是他捉了许多萤火虫，装进一个袋子里，晚上照着读书。A: Car Yin, childhood love reading books very much, but his family were very poor, no money Maideng, so he caught many fireflies, in a sack, after reading the evening.乙：那我们也去捉萤火虫吧。B: then we have to catch fireflies.甲：你有电灯电棒要萤火虫干什么？A: do you have a flashlight to light fireflies stem what?乙：这样才能体现我学习刻苦呀。B: we can reflect I study hard.甲：拉倒吧你，萤火虫会发光你会发光吗？萤火虫会飞你会飞吗？A: forget you, fireflies glow you will shine? Fireflies fly can you fly?乙：那孙康映雪呢？B: that diligently?甲：孙康晚上想读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没有灯，于是他在雪地里，借着雪的光亮读书。A: want to read Sun Kang night, but his family were very poor, there is no light, and he in the snow, with snow light reading.乙：我看这天也不下雪的，可是外边多冷啊。在外边读书，不被当成梦游症也被当成神经病啊。还是听听那个谁凿壁偷东西吧，我也学学。B: I think it does not snow, but cold outside. Outside reading, not be treated as sleepwalking is a mental derangement. Or listen to the guy who broke the wall to steal it, I also learn.甲：那是匡衡凿壁偷光，匡衡呢家里也是很穷很穷，晚上没灯读书，于是把自家的墙壁凿了个洞，借着邻居的灯光读书。A: it is assiduous steals light, the Kuang Heng. The house is poor and very poor, the night did not light reading, then cut a hole in the wall of their neighbors, with light reading.乙：可是我家隔壁是猪圈呀，再说把墙凿得净是窟窿，隔壁的小猪偷看我洗澡怎么办呀？B: but my family next door is a pigsty, besides the net is the hole through the wall, next door to the pig peek how do I take a shower?甲：我跟你介绍他们是想让你学习他们刻苦的学习精神，天才就是这样诞生的。A: I'll introduce you to them is to let you learn their hardworking, such a genius is born.乙：天才，天天发财。B: Genius, everyday get rich.甲：你怎么净想着钱呢，这样吧既然中国的你学不了，就学学外国的吧。牛顿。A: how do you always think of money, such as Chinese you can not learn, learn foreign. Newton.乙：长的象头牛反应却很迟钝。B: like a cow was long but very dull.甲：奥斯特洛夫斯基。A: Ostrovsky.乙：你回家去娶老母鸡？B: you go home to marry the old hen?甲：近代化学之父---道尔顿。A: the father of modern chemistry. --- Dalton.乙：长这么大没听说过化学还有个爸爸，他妈是谁呀？B: so long haven't heard about chemistry and a father, his mother is who?甲：好好好，咱不谈学习了，谈谈你的生活吧。A: Well, I don't talk about learning, talk about your life.

Campus comic -- "campus"甲：亲爱的同学们，我想死你们了。A: my dear classmates, I miss you.乙：先向大家作一下介绍。B: first we introduce.甲：我叫王迈达。A: my name is Wang Maida.乙：我叫黄映翔。B: my name is Huang Yingxiang.甲：yb，你是新生吧，以后有什么需要我帮忙的尽管说，学长我一定会尽力而为的。A: Yb, you are a freshman, after what I need help though say, I will do everything in one's power of students.乙：哦，一定一定。老大，你成绩好吗？B: Oh, sure. Boss, you get good grades?甲：马马乎乎。A: Mama huhu.乙：那你成绩为什么这么好呢？B: that you why so good?甲：因为我是从“竹板炒肉丝”的惨痛经历中磨练出来的，我已经深刻体会到：落后就要挨打。A: because I am a honed from "the bitter experience heavy bamboo slats fried shredded pork", I have a profound experience: behind will be beaten.乙：哎，英雄所历略同呀。B: Hey, hero history summary.甲：能具体点吗？A: can the specific point?乙：80分以下女子单打，70分以下男子单打，60分以下男女混合双打。B: 80 points following the women's singles, men's singles 70 points, 60 points below the mixed doubles.甲：这怎么说？A: how do you say this?乙：80分以下老妈揍我，70分以下老爸揍我，60分以下老爸老妈一起揍我。B: 80 points below mom beat me, dad hit me below 70 points, 60 points below the beat with my mom and dad.甲：你就是在这种环境下成长起来的吗？A: you are in this environment to grow up?乙：谁在乎我的心里有多苦，谁在意我的明天去何出。B: who cares about me, how hard the heart, who will care about my tomorrow to go to where the.甲：哎呀我可怜的学弟呀，不过没事的，你的肌体早晚会磨练成金刚不坏之身的,到时候你就会永垂不朽了。A: Oh, my poor brother ah, but all right, your body will temper as unscathed, but you will go down to posterity.乙：哎学长，早就听说你的学习是鸡立鹤群，独占鳖头呀，就给我介绍介绍你的学习方法吧。B: Hey sir, had heard that your learning is chicken standing cranes, exclusive turtle head ah, you introduce me to your way of learning.甲：昨夜寒蛩不住鸣，惊回夺魁梦，已三更，起来凉水冲冲脸，再拼命，几挑窗前灯，一心为功名。窗前白叶落，阻征程，欲把心事付瑶琴，不可能，根本没空。A: Han Ming could not last night cricket, scared to dream up past midnight, title, cold water in the face, then desperately, few pick window headlights, one for the fame. The window of white leaves, resistance to your journey, Fu Yaoqin, could not, did not empty.乙：可我就是学不好，再熬夜也学不好。B: I can not learn, then stay up all night is not good.甲：你白天学，晚上学，吃饭学，上厕所也学，干什么都要想着学习学习再学习。A: you day school, night school, dinner, the toilet, stem what want to learn and learn again.乙：那哪成啊，晚上学一夜，白天就只好睡觉。吃着饭看书，我两次把饭塞进鼻孔里，三次把饭塞进耳朵里，四次把饭塞进别人的嘴里。上厕所看书，我怕呀。B: so what ah, night, night, to sleep during the day. Eat to read a book, I two put the meal into nostrils, three times the rice into his ear, four times the rice into the other's mouth. Go read a book, I am afraid.甲：怕什么？A: what are you afraid of?乙：我怕掉进去，我不会在那里游泳啊。B: I'm afraid fall into, I will not swim there.甲：那你在学校都干些什么？A: you in the school all to do what?乙：我在学校，蹦蹦跳跳，哭哭笑笑，打打闹闹，撞墙上吊，白天睡觉夜里放炮，没事了钻到床底下跟老鼠乱咬。B: I was in school, bounce, laugh or cry, Dadanaonao, wall hanging, sleeping during the day, night shooting, nothing to get under the bed with the mouse bite.甲：学习不刻苦，不如回家卖红薯，学习不努力，不如回家去种地。算了，别在这受苦受累了，回家去吧。A: don't study hard, it is better to sell sweet home, don't study hard, as home to farm. Well, don't suffer, go home.乙：哎……你这是什么话，你有什么了不起，不就是学习好点嘛，我要搞的你们家鸡犬不宁。B: hey...... What are you talking about, you have what fantastic, is not to learn a good point, you jiquanbuning home I get.甲：你想怎么样？A: what do you want?乙：我往你们家打电话。喂，请问是王迈达的母亲吗，告诉你一个不幸的消息，可爱的王迈达同学于昨天上午被车撞了一下，又被石头砸了一下，被驴踢了一下，还被狗咬了一口，现在正在医院抢救。B: I call you home. Hello, is that Wang Maida's mother, tell you a sad news, lovely classmates yesterday morning Wang Maida was hit by a bus, it is stone hit, kicking ass, was bitten by the dog, is now in the hospital rescue.甲：地点？A: location?乙：黑龙江乌鲁木齐。B: Heilongjiang Urumqi.甲：说这么远干什么？A: so far stem what?乙：让她坐着车慢慢找去吧，把车费全搭进去。B: let her sit car slowly look, the fare all take in.甲：好吧，算你狠，大家都听着，谁家有这样的电话都找他，都是他干的。A: OK, you win, you listen, who have this phone for him, all he did.乙：说实在的，我学习确实有困难。B: to tell the truth, I really have difficulty learning.甲：有什么困难？A: what are the difficulties?乙：我一看书就发困，就渴就饿，就想上厕所。B: I read a book on the sleepy, thirst hungry, they want to go to the toilet.甲：这好办呀。A: that's easy.乙：咋办？B: what?甲：渴了饿了喝红牛，困了累了还喝红牛，尿频尿急也喝红牛。红牛红牛，不红也牛。A: thirsty and hungry drink Red Bull, sleepy and tired also drink Red Bull, frequent urination and drinking Red Bull. Red Bull Red Bull, not red cattle.乙：可是我们家只有黄牛没有红牛。B: but our cattle not only Red Bull.甲：算了，我还是给你讲几个故事激发一下你的学习兴趣吧。A: Well, I give you some of the stories to stimulate your interest in learning.乙：故事我爱听。B: I like the story.甲：你听过车胤囊萤，孙康映雪，匡衡凿壁偷光吗？A: have you ever heard of Chen Yin capsule firefly, assiduous diligently, stealing light?乙：没听说过，怎么回事？B: never heard of, how to return a responsibility?甲：车胤呢，小时侯非常爱读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没钱买灯，于是他捉了许多萤火虫，装进一个袋子里，晚上照着读书。A: Car Yin, childhood love reading books very much, but his family were very poor, no money Maideng, so he caught many fireflies, in a sack, after reading the evening.乙：那我们也去捉萤火虫吧。B: then we have to catch fireflies.甲：你有电灯电棒要萤火虫干什么？A: do you have a flashlight to light fireflies stem what?乙：这样才能体现我学习刻苦呀。B: we can reflect I study hard.甲：拉倒吧你，萤火虫会发光你会发光吗？萤火虫会飞你会飞吗？A: forget you, fireflies glow you will shine? Fireflies fly can you fly?乙：那孙康映雪呢？B: that diligently?甲：孙康晚上想读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没有灯，于是他在雪地里，借着雪的光亮读书。A: want to read Sun Kang night, but his family were very poor, there is no light, and he in the snow, with snow light reading.乙：我看这天也不下雪的，可是外边多冷啊。在外边读书，不被当成梦游症也被当成神经病啊。还是听听那个谁凿壁偷东西吧，我也学学。B: I think it does not snow, but cold outside. Outside reading, not be treated as sleepwalking is a mental derangement. Or listen to the guy who broke the wall to steal it, I also learn.甲：那是匡衡凿壁偷光，匡衡呢家里也是很穷很穷，晚上没灯读书，于是把自家的墙壁凿了个洞，借着邻居的灯光读书。A: it is assiduous steals light, the Kuang Heng. The house is poor and very poor, the night did not light reading, then cut a hole in the wall of their neighbors, with light reading.乙：可是我家隔壁是猪圈呀，再说把墙凿得净是窟窿，隔壁的小猪偷看我洗澡怎么办呀？B: but my family next door is a pigsty, besides the net is the hole through the wall, next door to the pig peek how do I take a shower?甲：我跟你介绍他们是想让你学习他们刻苦的学习精神，天才就是这样诞生的。A: I'll introduce you to them is to let you learn their hardworking, such a genius is born.乙：天才，天天发财。B: Genius, everyday get rich.甲：你怎么净想着钱呢，这样吧既然中国的你学不了，就学学外国的吧。牛顿。A: how do you always think of money, such as Chinese you can not learn, learn foreign. Newton.乙：长的象头牛反应却很迟钝。B: like a cow was long but very dull.甲：奥斯特洛夫斯基。A: Ostrovsky.乙：你回家去娶老母鸡？B: you go home to marry the old hen?甲：近代化学之父---道尔顿。A: the father of modern chemistry. --- Dalton.乙：长这么大没听说过化学还有个爸爸，他妈是谁呀？B: so long haven't heard about chemistry and a father, his mother is who?甲：好好好，咱不谈学习了，谈谈你的生活吧。A: Well, I don't talk about learning, talk about your life