英语笑话网站

呵呵，好“冷”哦。这还不简单，才八篇，80篇都没问题！在百度等相关搜索网站输入“英文笑话”，出来一抹多！！

A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it .She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes.Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do ?" Yelled back the father ,"Keep feeding him nickels!" 母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道： “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？“ 孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚五分镍币！” Just Sew the Buttonhole Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling? Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed up the buttonhole. 丈夫：你给我把扣子缝好了吗，亲爱的？ 妻子：没有，亲爱的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼儿给缝上了。 To Give Up the Seat Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap." 让座 小约翰告诉妈妈：“早上我和爸爸坐公车时，他让我给一位女士让座。” “好，你做得对。”妈妈说。 “但是，妈妈，我那时正坐在爸爸的大腿上。” Be Much Worse Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse. 可能更糟 警察：当你的手表被抢的时候，你为什么不大声喊叫呢？ 男士：如果我张嘴喊叫，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那样情况就更糟了！ My Baby Swallowed a Bullet Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ? Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody." 年轻的妈妈说：“医生，我孩子吞下一颗子弹，我该怎么办？” 医生说：“不要让他指着任何人。”

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?""Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"这是我随便挑的， 是国外的笑话网站 绝对够你用了呵呵

1.regret Little George was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. “I've lost 5 pence,” sobbed George. “Never mind,” said his dad kindly, “Here's another 5 pence for you.” At which George howled louder that ever. “Now what is it?” asked his dad. “I wish I'd said I'd lost 10 pence!” He Knows the Answer2.他知道答案Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.Who Should be Given the Present?3.礼物该给谁？A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There 4.Scales A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help.""Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers. 5.The boy's viewpoint A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group ofhappy and cheering children carrying schoolbags with the caption at thebottom: "On Their Way To School"."It must be mistaken, I bet. They must be on their way home after school. I'm sure of this." the boy concluded.6.The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:"Gentlemen,order!"The entire class yelled:"Beer!"7.Policeman:You cannot park here. Driver:Why not? Policeman:Read that sign. Driver:I did.It says,"Fine for parking."So I parked.8.The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

参考这个网站

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。One boy throws his bag out the window.一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。Teacher: who just threw that?!老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?Boy: Me! I’m going home now.男孩：我!我现在要回家了。2、What dog can jump higher than a building?什么狗比大楼跳的还高?Anydog, buildings can't jump!任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?A coin!硬币。4、What has one eye but cannot see?什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?A needle.针。5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.Wife: "What does that mean?"妻子：那是什么意思?Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?Husband: "I'm just kidding!"丈夫：开个玩笑!6、Boy: Is this seat empty?男孩：这个座位是空的么？Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。7、My little dog can't read我的狗不识字Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”8、My Wife Will Exchange Them反正我太太明天会来换的A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。″Makes no difference ″replied customer.“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。″Any″ he responded.“什么颜色都成。”他回答。″Size﹖″“号码呢？”″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”推荐于 2019-10-31TA的回答是否帮助到你了?能够帮助到你是知道答主们最快乐的事啦!

甲：今天，我给大家说段相声！哦，这位奶奶问我怎么一个人说？当然两个人了，不过，我那搭档，从来就没准时过……您瞧，咱们说好9点钟演出的，这都8点60了还没见个鬼影。 乙：说什么那？ 甲：呦，您……您这是怎么了？ 乙：别提了，都是那破英语给闹的！ 甲：怎么了？都怎么了？快说来听听！ 乙：唉，我们班老师说了！中国加入WTO了，北京申奥成功了咱们实验一小的学生不学英语就不能上初中了。 甲：也，挺顺那！学英语好事情那！ 乙：是好事情呀！就是我这人——背！ 甲：怎么个背了？ 乙：倒霉事全让我给碰上了！ 甲：哦，那说给大伙听听！ 乙：今天我就豁出这个老脸不要了，给大伙说说！ 甲：好！大伙给鼓鼓掌掌！ 乙：话说，这英语上课第一天！ 甲：怎么了？ 乙：我哥和妹就死了！ 甲：啊！您别吓唬人那！ 乙：谁吓唬您了！我们老师说的，这白纸黑字的得给我爸爸看看！ 甲：哦，那您说说是怎么回事！ 乙：这第一课有这么两句对 话！ Good morning boys and girls! Good morning!Miss bai! 甲：是这两句，意思是 早上好，孩子们！ 早上好，白小姐！ 乙：girls和miss这两个单词我怎么也记不住发音！ 甲：记不住就要反复练！ 乙：我想了一个法子！ 甲：什么法子！ 乙：给英语单词加上汉字翻译！ 甲：这不行。 乙：这有什么不行的？ 甲：这不利于你以后英语的学习！ 乙：我才不管这么多那，这么一翻译，我全记住了！ 甲：哦，你都怎么翻译的。 乙：girls我给翻译成 哥死 miss我给翻译成妹死 甲：感情你哥哥妹妹第一天这么就给你弄死的！ 乙：唉，别提了，这一下课，我拿着我这发明专利满教室吹那！没想到给老师逮着了！ 甲：这回惨了！ 乙：老师一看，脸都气歪了，罚我抄写100遍，抄得我这又白又嫩的小手都快肿得跟猪 爪样了的！ 甲：活该！ 乙：我这是吃一亏长一智那！ 甲：哦，不翻译了！ 乙：对，不翻译了，我不翻译在纸上，我翻译在心上！我看我们白……（转过去对甲）白老师今天在这吗？ 甲：不在！ 乙：我看白老师怎么罚我！ 甲：咳，你这人！ 乙：学了还没一星期！全家连我在内都被我翻译得死光！ 甲：啊，都怎么死的！ 乙：唉！爷爷死在Yes上，奶奶死在Nice上，爸爸死在Bus上，妈妈死在Must上，哥哥死在Girls上，姐姐死在Jeeps上，我死在Was上，家里的猫死在 Mouse上，狗死在Goes，最后学了Does就都死了，学了 School全家就死光了。 甲：我给大伙翻译一下，看看他家里人都怎么死的，您听好了：他爷爷死的是，奶奶死的好，爸爸死在公共汽车上，妈妈死的应当，哥哥死在女孩子上，姐姐死在吉普车上，自己也是该死了，然后家里的猫死在老鼠上，一条狗去了也死了，学了做后都死了，学到学校之后死光了！ 乙：你记得我家旁边那邻居家大个子吗？ 甲：记得！就那个说中国话都（学一段结巴）这样的！ 乙：就这个四肢发达，嘴巴结巴的二狗子打我的！。 甲：他干吗打你了？ 乙：他不是上初一吗？ 甲：对！ 乙：初一不是也有英语吗！ 甲：初一英语那时必修课！ 乙：你想就他那中国话都学不好的档次，英语肯定是一个字。 甲：什么？ 乙：bad! 甲：他英语差碍你了？ 乙：唉，就上个周末！不知道哪个老师，布置了一张全是英文翻译中文的卷子。 甲：周末布置点作业没什么那！ 乙：他没什么，我有事了！ 甲：怎么了！ 乙：他找我来问问题了！ 甲：那就有什么教什么！ 乙：就他那块头，我这身板！我敢不教他吗。 甲：那不是很好吗！ 乙：该死就该死在这个出卷子的老师上。 甲：怎么了。 乙：那题目条条都是要命的！ 甲：哦怎么个要命法！ 乙：我一个人演不了，要咱们配合一下，我演二狗子，你演我。 甲：行！ 乙：你正在看电视呢，我拿着卷子近来问你题目，你一边看电视一边回答！ 甲：行！ 乙：小毛驴！ 甲：唉，（这都什么名字，没个好听的） 乙：我……我问你两……两道题目。这个“i don’t know.“是……是……是……什么意思？ 甲：我不知道 乙：你别……别看电视了，你怎……怎么会都……都不……不知道！ 甲：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！！ 乙：还嘴……嘴硬！！！！(一个巴掌) 那“i know.“是……是什么意思，你……你该……该知道吧。 甲：是“我知道“ 乙：知……知道就……就快说。 甲：就是“我知道“ 乙：找……找……茬呀你？刚才收拾……收拾的轻了是不？ 甲：就是我知道呀！ 乙：知道……知道你还不说！！不懂……不……不要装懂！ (又一顿爆揍) 你……你给我小……小心点，不就英……英语学得好！跟谁……谁摆谱，再问你最……最后一个，说……说不出来我……我收拾你，“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思？ 甲：我知道，但是我就不想告诉你！你满意吧 已:哼,不告诉我算了.我来打你了!呵呵是这个吧？

A father said to his sons: "Tomorrow your mother is going to bake a pie. Who is going to eat it?" The oldest son replied: "Father, Ill eat it all!" The father then said: "Tomorrow Im going to butcher a pig. Who is going to eat it?" The same son answered: "Father,Ill eat it all!" The father added: "Tomorrow, we are going to plough the field. Who is going to plough?" The oldest son answered again: "Its always me, always me. Now its someone elses turn to volunteer!" 总是我 一位父亲对他的儿子们说：“你们的妈妈明天要烙一张馅饼，谁要吃呢？” 大儿子说：“爸爸，我要把它都吃了。” 父亲接着说：“明天我要杀一口猪，谁要吃呢？” 又是大儿子说：“爸爸，我要把它都吃了。” 父亲又说：“明天我们要耕地，谁想耕地呢？” 大儿子再次回答道：“总是我，总是我，这次还是让其它人来做吧。” 2 Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂贵的代价 牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了。 3 A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired. "But what/s that in the corner?" asked Mother. "Oh, that/s their telly," replied the tot. 耶稣的电视机 圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。 他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。 “可是那个角落里是什么？”妈妈问。 “噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。 a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."9.Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”一盒小火柴妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？”“是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。”10.Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!开车父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。