英语搞笑课堂小品

人物:白云,黑土,小燕（两人）白云上:"黑土走了吗?小燕上学走了吗?走了?都走了!剩下我白云,该我练练节目为了迎奥运参战!" heitu gone? Xiaoyan go to school? Gone? All gone! so let me practice the programe in order to welcome the Olympic! " (这里可以跳舞唱歌什么的先表演一下) 黑土上:"你这是干啥?" what are you doing here 白云:"排练节目呢,别在着捣乱?" i am busy now Do not make trouble 黑土:"小燕哪去了,英语老师让她去上课!" where is Xiaoyan, English teacher let her go to english class! 白云"她上哪儿我也不知道." i do not know where she is 黑土:"你能知道啥?成天不是写书就是跳舞"说完拿起手机拨:"小燕!小燕!我是你爹!我是你爷爷,爷爷!有事快回来---" what did you know?just dancing and writing all days Xiaoyan!Xiaoyan! i am your father!i am your grandfather,grandfatrher! Come home quickly 白云:"啥意思,你啥意思,连辈都整不明白.名副其实的老年痴呆!" what?what's your mean?you don't know who you are. totally a fool 小燕:"爷爷你找我?"(小燕气喘吁吁地上来) Grandpa,you call me? 白云:"小燕你上哪儿去了?" Where you went to 小燕:"在学校参加迎奥运文艺彩排!" i have practiced the program in order to welcome the Olympic in school 黑土:"你也练节目?" You are rehearsing too? 小燕:"爷爷,老师让我独唱呢!" Grandpa, the teacher let me do solo 白云:"你还能唱歌,你嗓子要是象你爷爷,唱一句该不会把外国人都吓昏了吧?" You can sing?if you like your grandfather's voice, foreigners will shocked when they heard about your voice 黑土:"象你奶奶好,象你奶奶人前一站你找对象都难." If you look like your grandmother, could not find boyfriends 小燕:"爷爷奶奶别说了."然后又问:"爷爷你叫我回来干啥?" Do not speak.why you call me back 黑土:"老师让你去上英语课." the teacher let you to English class 小燕:"爷爷,我去不了,今天下午老师让我练歌." grandpa, I could not go, this afternoon teacher let me practice the song 黑土:"练什么练,快去学英语,别耽误上课." Studies English quickly, do not delay the class 小燕:"爷爷今天不行,节目安排非常紧,抽不出时间." grandpa,is not good today, the program arranges to be tight, cannot extract the time 黑土:"请个假呗唱歌还能当饭吃?小燕听话,学好外语,一个女孩子家,将来当个英语教师什么的.吃个轻松饭,奥运会是国家和运动员的事,咱们参合啥?" Asks for leave to teacher .Studies the foreign language diligently, in the future will work as teacher of English anything. , the Olympic Games are national and athlete's matter 白云:"你说什么?开奥运没你事儿?难道你不是中国人?" What did you say? Holds the Olympic Games is not your business? Aren't you the Chinese ? 黑土:"是又怎么样?奥运会也不缺我黑土." so what?The Olympic Games do not lack me 小燕:"爷爷,别阻止我去唱歌好吗?" Grandfather, please don't prevent me to sing 黑土:"不是不让,是不想让你误了学英语." I dont want to let you delay study English 小燕:"误什么?参加奥运会演出还能锻炼自己,接触外国人还能加强口语,再说,奥运会对咱中国人多重要!" Attends the Olympic Games perform can also exercise itself, contacts the foreigner also to be able to strengthen the spoken language, and, the Olympic Games are much important to our Chinese! “ 黑土:"重要在哪啊?" what's the important 白云:"这奥运会咱盼了多少年,如今才圆了这个梦!你说重要在哪?" we had hoped the OlympicGames for many years, only , then has been round this dream today! 小燕:"奶奶说的对 grandmother is right 白云:"就是,咱们中国人站起来了,外国人也不敢小瞧我们了.过去洋人管我们叫东亚病夫,现在,特别是把刘翔一瞧,他们立刻都变成了刘翔的粉条." yes Chinese become strong.The foreigner did not dare to look down on us .In the past the foreigner called us as sicker in East Asian.Now, specially Liu Xiang,They turn Liu Xiang's starch noodles immediately 小燕:"是粉丝!" is fans... 白云:"我一听2008年在中国开奥运会就立刻写了一首歌" i write a song for 2008 Olympic Games 小燕:"什么歌?唱给我听听,好不好" a song?let me hear ok? 白云:"好,那就让我孙女听听" ok (这里再表演个歌) 小燕:"奶奶你唱的太棒了,词写的也好.奶奶声音就想歌唱家." grandmother, you sing so good, the Lyrics also well . grandmother's voice like the singer.” 黑土:"这歌听起来还有点水准." this song is not bad 白云:"其实,奶奶在年轻时唱的就够歌唱家水平,只是那时没文化,眼睛瞎,走错了门,进了作家." Actually, when i was young ,i also well, but I do not have the knowledge ,so i have become a writer 黑土:"还作家,家里坐吧!" a writer?just a joke...

A(衣衫褴褛） B（衣着光鲜） C小花 E椅子 F新闻记者 B坐在E上吃东西，A一乞丐上前 A：先生，先生，请给我些面包，谢谢，我饿得不行了。 B：（厌恶）让开，让开。（然后便起身离开，这时他的钱包掉到E上头了） A：先生，先生（A看见后，立即拾起，追上了走远的B） B：让开，让开啊，我没吃的了，也没钱了（看也不看A，仍自顾自地走了） C：他真愚蠢啊 A：可……先生……您听我说……（仍拉着B衣服的后摆） B：挖，你这人怎么这么讨厌！（还是没有回头看A一眼） C：椅子啊，你会不会觉得刚刚坐在你身上的人特愚蠢？ E：唉，人总是这么愚蠢啊~~~~ 与此同时A与B还在纠缠，这时E终于隐忍不住爆发了。 E：先生！你的钱包丢了！你怎么这么傻啊。 A与B同时回头，看见了那会说话的椅子E，吓昏过去了。这一幕恰巧被经过的F看见了。于是F就报道了这一事件。 F：大家好，我是新闻记者F，今天我看见了一个奇异的现象，一个椅子说话了，两个人被吓昏了，下面我将采访一下被吓昏的两个人。 B：哦，上帝，哦，妈妈。 F：这个人傻了，我们不鸟他了，下面我采访一下另一个人吧，请问你为什么不告诉他，他的钱包丢了？ A：对不起，我不知道“钱包”这个单词怎么讲…… F：通过这一事件，我们可以认识到，掌握一门外语的重要性，以及金钱给人类带来的影响。是吗，椅子？ E：是啊，是啊（E傻傻地拼命点头） C：唉，人可真愚蠢，椅子也被他们弄傻了. A:sir,sir,please give me a piece of bread.thank you,sir.I'm hungry to die. B:get away,get away,dirty man. A:sir,sir!! B:run away,please run away.I have no food,and I don't have money,either. C:hey,xiao D,he is so foolish,isn't he? A:but....sir....please listen to me..... B:wa,why are you so disgusting!! C:hey,chair,do you feel the man sat on you a moment ago is very stupid. E:ai,pretty flower,do you know,men are always very silly. E:sir!you lost your wallet!can't you be more clever? F:good morning,everybody.I'm a jonrnist F. Today I saw a very weird thing--a chair open her mouth,and two men are frightened to faint.now,I will intenview the two nozzy man. B:wo,my god,wo,my,mum. F:I'm sorry to tell you this man has been mad.we needn't take notice of him.let me interview the other man,hello,man,can you tell men why didn't you tell him he lost his wallet? A:I'm sorry,I don't know how to speak "钱包" in english...... F:dear audience,through this thing we can learn that how improtant it is to mastery a foreign language,and how lagre the money affect us.is that all right,chair? E:yes,yes. C:ai,men is so silly.

《孔雀东南飞》英语剧本，搞笑版的孔雀东南飞故事。Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)Prologue本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemywifeisWuSong.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy……L:But……JM:Neverinterruptme!L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardalldaylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand……JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyourson.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)L:Mum,I’mback!LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself……L:But,mum……LM:Neverinterruptme!L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?AndI’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“IfyoudaughterHaven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgoandtellhim.(下)L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)Act3本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J睡眼惺忪上)J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!Act4(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoandrobthewedding!A&B:Goodidea!J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.B:Haveyougotanyexperience?J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)Act5本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!B:AndIplantedonetree.C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---J:Giveusallyourmoney!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?L(哭状):Ihurtalot!J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)the end本篇文章来源于 中国相声泡泡网 原文链接：