圣诞英文笑话简短

12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:Twelve bags of catnip!Eleven tarter Pounce treats,Ten ornaments hanging,Nine wads of Kleenex,Eight peacock feathers,Seven stolen Q-tips,Six feathered balls,Five MILK JUG RINGS!Four munchy house plants,Three running faucets,Two fuzzy mousies,And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? They go into town, and blow a few bucks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ? Because the snowblower was coming down the block. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. But why?" a bystander asked. "Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable." Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift." Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!' " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ... On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." A family ate an egg and turned to christmas and jokes(翻译成这样的英文不好笑哦）anway, good luck 咯~

One egg was left of the family are turned into a Christmas这是你要求翻译的那个If you have not received my Christmas present, it has to be because of - your socks have a big hole! Bu Bu it fast! !中文：如果你今天没收到我的圣诞礼物，那一定是因为--你的袜子有个大洞！ 快补补吧！！a few days later I heard that you want to have eggs, that true? That I wish you lay eggs (Christmas) Happy! In a few days you have to Egg's full moon, I also wish you a round ahead of eggs (New Year's Day) Happy! Send中文：听说你过几天要生个蛋,真的吗?那我得祝你生蛋(圣诞)快乐!再过几天你的蛋蛋又要满月,那么我就也提前祝你圆蛋(元旦)快乐! 发送I wish to Santa Claus on Christmas Eve: I hope that no matter how bad your feet, wear socks when tomorrow morning, I'll give you receive the full blessing, the warmth of your heart and feet ㄚ子!中文：平安夜我向圣诞老人许愿：希望不管你脚多么臭，明早当穿起袜子时，能收到我给你的满满的祝福，温暖你的心和脚ㄚ子！``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

英语版笑话大全简短

当听别人说笑话的时候觉得不大好笑，还会觉得冷很冷，可是自己看的时候，却笑到不行，你有这样的经历么?以下的简短英语版笑话大全，希望能让你欢乐笑不停。

Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?

Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.

母亲问她年幼的'儿子：宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么?

儿子骄傲地说：什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.

5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

圣诞老人的真实职业是什么?

考虑以下几点

1. 你其实从来没见过圣诞老人，你看见的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多，除了过圣诞节的所有父母外，还有职业“圣诞老人”)

2. 圣诞老人不想退休，就可以一直当他的圣诞老人。

3. 圣诞老人不会做实事，他都是指挥一堆帮手帮他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好还是不好，功绩和责任都算圣诞老人的。

4. 圣诞老人实行的可不是朝九晚五双休制。

5. 圣诞老人经常旅行

圣诞老人显然是一个高级职员(please, 这世界上还有比他的工作更好的工作吗?)

A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

Little Johnny then stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。

小约翰尼站了起来。

“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼?”老师问。

“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”

When I was waitting in line at the bank , I noticed a woman holding a small child at one of the windows. The boy was eating a roll ,which he thrust at the teller. The teller smiled and shook his head.

"No, no, dear," said the boy's mom. and then , turnning to the teller , "I beg your pardon , young man. Please forgive my son . He's just been to the zoo."

他刚去过动物园

当我在银行里排队时，发现一位妇女抱着一个小孩站在一个窗口。男孩正在吃一个面包卷，并将面包卷戳向出纳员，出纳员笑着摇了摇头。

“别这样，亲爱的，” 男孩的妈妈说。然后她转向出纳员说，“对不起，小伙子。请原谅我的儿子，他刚去过动物园。”

On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

Knock Knock Christmas中的Knock诺克; 短促的敲打; 爆震声意思是很震撼的圣诞节