英文笑话书推荐

1 Whose Dog Was the SmartestFour friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. Thefirst man, an engineer, called to his dog, "T Square, show yourstuff. " The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper andpencil, and drew a perfect triangle.The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule,go ahead. " The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled opened a bag ofcookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show whathe could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart of milkand poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.The last man was a government worker. "Coffee Break," hehollered to his dog, "go to it. " With that, the dog jumped to hisfeet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.2 YOU're Not Going to Make itGravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After theexamination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in thehallway."Your husband is very sick, " the doctor said, "but there arethree things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him threehealthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-freeenvironment , and don't complain about anything. Finally, makepassionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?""I'm sorry, " she said, "but you're not going to make it.3 A Pleasant SurpriseA friend of mine had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for alongtime, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She wentto visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she wasoverjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.A few days later a neighbor came over to visit my friend. Afteradmiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were soglad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confinedto the kitchen. "4 I Want to Get OutA bar owner locked up his place at 2 a. m. and went home tosleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang."What time do you open up in the morning ?" he heard an obviouslyinebriated man inquire.The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and wentback to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heardthe same voice ask the same question. "Listen," the ownershouted ,"there's no sense in asking me what time I open becauseI wouldn't let a person in your condition in-""I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get out5 I Never Work after SupperA penny-pinching farmer didn't want his hired hand to stopworking. One morning, he told the farmhand, "It's such a nuisanceto come in from the field,, wash up for lunch and take time to eat.Why don't we save time and eat lunch now?"The hired man agreed. The farm's wife brought in some cold meatand fried potatoes, and the two men ate again.When they had finished, the cheap famer said, "While we'restill at the table, let's have supper too. " They were now servedsteak, boiled potatoes and mixed vegetables, and they ate oncemore."Now that the meals are out of the way, " the farmer announced,we can go out and work all day without interruption. ""Oh, no, " the farmhand answered. " I never work after supper.6 A Woman Who FellIt was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City'sGrand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-agedwoman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marblefloor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close tomy shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up.Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you alwayshave beautiful women failing at your feet?"7 A Business TripOn a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived atthe airport in Dilhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he wasgreeted by his hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requestedthe equivalent of eight dollars U. S. for the fare, which'reasonable, so my friend handed him the money.But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assaultupon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgraceto their country for trying to overcharge visitors. The host threwhalf the amount at the driver and told him never to return.As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to mycolleague and asked him how his trip had been. "Fine," the businessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage in thetrunk."8 My RoommateMy roommate was interested in a young man in her English-literature class, but she was too shy to let him know. One day sheoverheard him say he was on his way to the library for a certainbook. She rushed to the library, found the book and stuck in ita letter from her mother."Why would he want to read a letter from your mother?" I asked."He wouldn't, but if he's any kind of gentleman, he'll returnit to me " Her dorm and room numbers were on the envelope, of course.The next day he appeared with the letter and asked my roommateout on a date. "Couldn't fail," she later told me. "The book wasGreat Expectations.9 The Big Baby"You'll have to take care of the baby today," a woman told herhusband . " I'm not feeling well.""Then you must stay in bed and rest, dear. " her husband said."I'll be pleased to look after our baby. ""Thank you. I'll have a quiet day and I'll soon get better." his wife told him."Shall I do the shopping for you as well?" her husband asked.She was very pleased and said, "That will help me very much.I'll give you a list of things to buy. "She wrote out the list and gave it to him."You can get all these things at the supermarket," she said."You can put the baby in the shopping cart, then you won't haveto leave him outside."The man took the baby to the supermarket and put him in theshopping cart. Then he pushed the shopping cart along the rows ofthings to buy and looked for those that were on his list.At first all was well, but then the baby began to cry.Then he started to scream.And scream!And SCREAM!"Keep calm ,George, " the man said. "Don't get excited. Don'tshout, George. Don't lose your temper, George.A woman in the supermarket heard him saying these things. Shewalked up to him."I think you are wonderful," she said. "You are so patient withyour little George. ""Madam, " the man said, "I'm George. He's Edward.10 Ways end MeansA man handed a pair of slacks to the department-store clerk."I'd like these altered, please," he said. The clerk asked for thesales receipt, but after searching his pockets, the man repliedhe had lost it. The clerk informed him that it was store policyriot to do free alterations without a receipt."Okay, then, " the man said, "I'd I like to return the slacks.clerk processed the return and gave him cash equaling the cost ofthe slacks.The man pushed the money back across the counter. "Now I wantto buy the slacks, " he said. The clerk rang up the sale, baggedthe slacks and handed them to him with a receipt.Triumphantly, he put the slacks and the receipt on the counter."I'd like to have these altered, please."