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英语幽默故事三则
下面是网我为大家带来的英语幽默故事三则，希望大家能够能在快乐中学习，在学习中快乐~
1.Bragging 吹牛
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off，“said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."
三名著名的外科医生在吹嘘着各自的高超医术。其中一个说:“有个人切断了一只手，他来找我治疗，如今，他已成为音乐会的小提琴手。”
That's nothing." said another.“A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on，and today that man is a marathon runner."
“那有什么，”另一个不服，“有个家伙的`两条腿全断了，我给他接上了。现在这家伙是马拉松运动员。”
"I can top both of you，"said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. ,There was nothing left but a horse's posterior---and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in the United States Senate. "
“你们俩都比不上我。”第三个人说，“有一天，我被叫到一起事故的现场。当时那儿什么都没留下，只有一个马屁股和一副眼镜。现在那个人就坐在美国参议院中。”
2.Wrongly dressed 穿错了
I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us at the time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.
在陪儿子上幼儿园的第一天，我想打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我们住在一起。我们有约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿别人的东西。但那时她仍在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。
To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，"And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?"
让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没说衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”
3.Dating for mother 为母亲约会
When the young waitress in the cafe in my building started waving hello every day，I was flattered. She was at least 15 years younger than I.
在我工作的大楼里有间咖啡馆，那儿的女招待每天见到我都向我打招呼。我因此受宠若惊。要知道她至少要比我小15岁。
One day she waved and beckoned to me. When I strolled over，she asked，"Are you single?"
有一天，她见到我后，朝我招手示意让我过去。于是，我便走了过去。她问我，“你现在是单身吗?”
Why，yes,"I replied，smiling at her broadly.
“对，是单身。”我满脸堆笑地说。
" So is my mom，”she said.”Would you like to meet her?"
“我母亲也是，”她说:“你愿意不愿意见见她。”
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A lion once fell in love with a beautiful girl, so he went to her parents and asked them to marry her to him. The old parents did not know what to say. They did not like the idea of giving their daughter to the lion, but they did not want to enrage the king of beasts. At last the father said, "We are glad to marry our daughter to you, but we fear that you might possibly hurt her. So if you remove your claws and teeth, we will give her to you." The lion loved the girl very much, so he trimmed his claws and took out his big teeth. When he came to the parents again, they simply laughed in his face, and beat him out of their house. 一只狮子爱上了一位美丽的女孩儿，便找到她的父母向她求婚。 女孩儿的父亲不知道该如何回答，他不忍将女儿许配给野兽，但又害怕激怒这兽中之王。于是父亲说：“我们很乐意将女儿嫁给你，但又怕你不小心伤害她，如果你拔去牙齿，剁掉利爪，我们就将女儿嫁给你。”狮子非常爱这个女孩儿，于是他修剪了爪子，拔掉了尖牙后又去找女孩的父母。可是这时，他们嘲笑他，并把他赶了出去。寓意:有些人轻易相信别人的话，抛弃自己的长处，结果轻而易举地被原来害怕他们的人击败了。A Mistake An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened." "Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene. "Where are the others?" asked a medic. "Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay." 英语幽默故事译文：搞错了 一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。” “成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。 “其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。 “我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”I Am Acting Like a Lady One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed. "You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?" "Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady." 英文幽默故事六译文：我要表现得象位女士 一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。 他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。 “你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？” “听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”Weather Predict A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken." 英文幽默故事五译文：天气预报 一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了. 一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴. "印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气. 几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了. 最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?" 印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."The Miser守财奴 A MISER sold all that he had and bought a lump of gold, which he buried in a hole in the ground by the side of an old wall and went to look at daily. One of his workmen observed his frequent visits to the spot and decided to watch his movements. He soon discovered the secret of the hidden treasure, and digging down, came to the lump of gold, and stole it. The Miser, on his next visit, found the hole empty and began to tear his hair and to make loud lamentations. A neighbor, seeing him overcome with grief and learning the cause, said, "Pray do not grieve so; but go and take a stone, and place it in the hole, and fancy that the gold is still lying there. It will do you quite the same service; for when the gold was there, you had it not, as you did not make the slightest use of it."有个守财奴变卖了他所有的家产，换回了金块，并秘密地埋在一个地方。他每天走去看 看他的宝藏。有个在附近放羊的牧人留心观察，知道了真情，趁他走后，挖出金块拿走了。 守财奴再来时，发现洞中的金块没有了，便捶胸痛哭。有个人见他如此悲痛，问明原因后， 说道：“喂，朋友，别再难过了，那块金子虽是你买来的，但并不是你真正拥有的。去拿一 块石头来，代替金块放在洞里，只要你心里想着那是块金子，你就会很高兴。这样与你拥有 真正的金块效果没什么不同。依我之见，你拥有那金块时，也从没用过。” 这故事说明，一切财物如不使用等于没有。
