英文冷笑话100个

十万个冷笑话英文版

十万个冷笑话英文版一：

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

十万个冷笑话英文版二：

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅?”

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”

十万个冷笑话英文版三：

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀,想问个问题. 司机大叫起来, 车也失去了控制, 几乎撞上一辆公车, 还上了便道, 在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来.

The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

司机说,“伙计,别再这么干了. 你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说, “我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样.” 司机说,“对不起,也不全是你的`错. 今天是我第一天开出租. 以前25年里我一直开殡葬车.”

Note:

Daylights: 复数时, daylight可不是“白昼”的意思, 而是“神智, 知觉”的意思.

有三个人，在一起比试枪法，由一个黑人顶着某样东西做为靶子。 第一个人在黑人的头上放了一个苹果，然后在距离10米远的位置，抬手一枪就将苹果打碎了，他吹了一下枪口说：I'm 佐罗！ 第二个人在黑人的头上放了一个樱桃，然后在距离50米远的地方，抬手一枪就把樱桃打碎了，他吹了一下枪口说：I'm007 第三个人在黑人的头上放了一粒芝麻，然后在距离100米远的地方，抬手一枪就把那个黑人的头打碎了，他也吹了一下枪口说：I'm sorry…… why today's homework is tasty? because it's a piece of cake. kjjhgfdcv bnm,.//';kjhg vm,.,mnbvcxzasdfghjkl;' ][poiuytrewqasxdcfvgbhnjkloiuytrewsdfghjmnb vcxzasdfghjkloiuytrewqwasdfghjkl,.mnbvcxzas dfghjk1.A group of great scientistses are clay-cold to play to hide cat cat in the heaven, round arrive Einstein catch a person, he count to 100 open eyes, see the owners all hid and only have Newton to still stand over there. Einstein walks through to say:"Newton, I held tight you." Newton:"Not, you didn't catch Newton." Einstein:"Your ising not Newton is who" Newton:"You see my foot be what" Einstein lowers the head to see Newton the station is all one meters in a cake of long breadths of exact square of floor brick up, don't understand. Newton:"My foot this be the square piece of one square meter, my standing on the top is Newton/square meter, and what you hold tight is the card of Pa Si." The card of Pa Si is very sad... 2.The small white rabbit leaps to jump bread building and ask:"Boss, do you have 100 small breads?" Boss:", Save the mark, have no so many" "So..."The small white rabbit out of spirits walked. On the second day, the small white rabbit leaps to jump bread building, "boss, have 100 small breads?" Boss:"Execuse me, still have no" "So..."The small white rabbit out of spirits walked again. On the third day, the small white rabbit leaps to jump bread building, "boss, have 100 small breads?" The boss happily says:"Had, had, we had 100 small breads today!!" The small white rabbit takes out money:"Liked too much, I bought 2!"

why today's homework is tasty?because it's a piece of cake.

Police: When can it be that the thieves broke into your house?Owner: How could I know as my watch was stolen? 警察：你估计小偷是什么时候进入你家的？失主：我的手表都被偷走了，我怎么知道是什么时候？ Psychiatrist: What's your problem?Patient: I think I'm a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg! 精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？病人：我认为我是一只鸡。精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。 We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him? Well, I don't know. Does he bite? That's what I want to find out. 我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？哦， 我不知道。他咬人吗？ 这正是我想要知道的。