英语小笑话可复制

A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy."好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”Nest and HairMy sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom."What kind of bird?" my sister asked."I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child."Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her ."Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "Notes:(1) inform v.告诉(2) nest n.窝；巢(3) description n.描述(4) encourage v.鼓励(5) resemble v. 相似；类似18.鸟窝与头发我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "Notes:(1) poisonous adj.有毒的(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。我刚咬破自己的舌头“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”A Woman Who FellIt was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"摔倒的女人上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”英语笑话（一）Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?A: By treading on his corn?如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？Q: What do people do in a clock factory?A: They make faces all day.一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?A: Keep him awake.怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。英语笑话（二）He is really somebody-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.-- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.他真是一个大人物-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？-- 墓地守墓人。英语笑话（三）Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."它们是从美国直接带来的一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”英语笑话（四）my little dog can't readMrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.我的狗不识字布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.-- Well, bring me the winner then.给我那个打赢的吧-- 服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.""Why use my elbow and foot?""Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"吝啬鬼请客一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。英语笑话（七）Advice for "Kid"A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."忠告“年轻者”这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”英语笑话（八）Which woman?One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"哪一位女人？一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."医生住在楼下“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”英语笑话（十）One Engine LeftA 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"只剩一个引擎一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”回答者：lovemydream - 高级经理 七级 7-5 10:08提问者对于答案的评价：嘻嘻评价已经被关闭 目前有 8 个人评价好50% （4） 不好50% （4）对最佳答案的评论GOOD!评论者： YABNV - 魔法学徒 一级其他回答共 2 条Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic."Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"逻辑推理小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了吗?This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses．One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道： “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。“不存在这样的问题！”律师厉声打断他。“噢，”证人说：“那么请你回答这个问题：“你停止打你老婆了吗？”Two BirdsTeacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老师：请说说看。学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?""A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.鱼网"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。昨天夜里我爸妈表演“混合双打”Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？体育老师：孩子们，你们见过男女混合双打吗？Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.尼克：见过，老师，经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢！Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.老师：那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”尼克：啊，对不起，老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”(赞同163|评论(22)

短篇英语小笑话

会讲笑话的人都是有好人缘的人，所以我们要多亲近一些笑话大王们。现在我也来当笑话大王啦!我给大家收集整理了短篇英语小笑话，一起来笑笑，收集好人缘吧!

On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old Englishman and his youngest son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the beer, and was warning his son against the evils of intemperance.

在一个阳光明媚的周日午后，一个年长的英国绅士和他年幼的儿子一同坐在村庄的旅店里。父亲没有节制地大口喝着啤酒，并警告他的儿子如果放纵就会给你带来痛苦。

"Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace.”

“永远不要喝的太多，我的儿子。一个绅士在喝酒时会适可而止。喝醉了酒可是不太光彩啊。”

"Yes, father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"

“是的，爸爸。但是当我喝的有点过头甚至喝醉了的时候我怎么才能知道呢?”

The old man pointed with his fingers.

这位年长的`父亲伸出手指指向一边。

"Do you see those two men sitting in the corner? If you should see four men there .you would know that you were drunk.”

“你看见坐在角落的那两个男人了吗?如果你看见的是四个男人坐在那里，那你要意识到你是喝醉了。”

The boy looked long and eamestly, After a time in puzzled tones, he said: yes, father, but-but-there is only one man in that corner.”

那个男孩认真仔细的看了很久。过了一会之后，他用困惑的声调说到:“是呀，爸爸，但是—但是—在那个角落里只有一个人呀!”

The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.

丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。

One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?"

一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：“亲爱的，今天我们吃啥菜?”

The wife said, "You may select the dish today."

妻子回答：“今天你可以选择。”

The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"

丈夫感到非常高兴，又问：“都有哪些菜呢?”

"Cabbage."

“炒白菜。”

"The others?"

“还有呢?”

"None."

“没了。”

"Then how to select?"

“那你要我怎么选呢?”

"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.

“吃还是不吃!”妻子一本正经地说道。

TEACHER: In what countries are elephants found?

老师:在哪些国家发现了大象?

STUDENT: Teacher. Elephants are very large and intelligent animals，and are seldom lost.

学生:老师，大象是一种巨型的并且是一种充满智慧的动物，因此，它是不会迷路的。

TEACHER: A noun is the name of a person or a thing. Who can give me a noun?

老师:名词是一个人的名字或是一件事。谁能给我举个例子?

STUDENT: A cow.

学生:母牛。

TEACHER: Very good. Another noun?

老师:很好。你能再举个例子吗。

STUDENT: Another cow.

学生:另外一头母牛。

TEACHER: Jim, what are the three words which some of you use most often in class?

老师:吉姆，你经常在课堂上说的三个字是什么?

STUDENT; I don’t know.

学生:不知道。

TEAL HER: Correct.

老师:答对了。

A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one。

一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔，用了很长时间才选好了一顶。

Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam.You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!"

已经忍耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意，便恭维她：“你做了极好的选择，夫人。你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁!”

To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"

但令他沮丧的是，这位女士马上摘下了她的帽子说：“我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看!”

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

男孩：我!我现在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什么狗比大楼跳的还高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?

A coin!

硬币。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?

A needle.

针。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什么意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：开个玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：这个座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。7、My little dog can't read我的狗不识字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天会来换的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。

″Any″ he responded.

“什么颜色都成。”他回答。

″Size﹖″

“号码呢？”

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?""You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".情人节前一天，一个女人做了个项链的梦。当她醒来，她和她丈夫说：“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢？”。“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。情人节那天，男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。她很兴奋地打开，看到的却是一本书，书名是《梦的解析》。