趣味英语材料

1 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

2 Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

3 I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

我要表现得象位女士

4 I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

我要表现得象位女士

一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

5 Want a Day Off 想请一天假

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, " We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. " I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，” Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。

6 I Lost 我输了

It was at a five o’clock tea． A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness．

“So good of you to come， Mr．Jones，and where is your brother？”

“You see we're very busy in the office and only one of us could come，so we tossed up for it．”

“How nice！And so original， too！ And you won？”

“No，” said the young man absently，“I lost．”

五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

“您知道我们在办公室里有非常忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

“太有意思了！还那么有独创性！那您赢了？”

“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”

7 Imitate Birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

模仿鸟儿

一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。

“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。

“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”

“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。

8 How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

你是怎样来的？

一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”

“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

英语（English）是印欧语系-日耳曼语族下的语言，由26个字母组合而成，英文字母渊源于拉丁字母，拉丁字母渊源于希腊字母，而希腊字母则是由腓尼基字母演变而来的。英语是国际指定的官方语言（作为母语），也是世界上最广泛的第一语言，英语包含约49万词，外加技术名词约30万个，是词汇最多的语言，也是欧盟以及许多国际组织以及英联邦国家的官方语言，拥有世界第三位的母语使用者人数，仅次于汉语和西班牙语母语使用者人数。

英语由古代从丹麦等斯堪的纳维亚半岛以及德国、荷兰及周边移民至不列颠群岛的盎格鲁、撒克逊以及朱特部落的白人所说的语言演变而来，并通过英国的殖民活动传播到了世界各地。由于在历史上曾和多种民族语言接触，它的词汇从一元变为多元，语法从“多屈折”变为“少屈折”，语音也发生了规律性的变化。在19至20世纪，英国以及美国在文化、经济、军事、政治和科学在世界上的领先地位使得英语成为一种国际语言。如今，许多国际场合都使用英语做为沟通媒介。

英语也是与电脑联系最密切的语言，大多数编程语言都与英语有联系，而且随着网络的使用，英文的使用更普及。英语是联合国的工作语言之一。 苏格兰语、低地撒克逊语、丹麦语、德语、荷兰语、南非荷兰语和英语也很接近。拥有法国血统的诺曼人于11世纪征服英格兰王国，带来数万法语词汇和拉丁语词汇，很大程度地丰富了英语词汇外，相对也驱使不少原生的语汇作废。

1、Cat and Mice  猫和老鼠

Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small boxwith holes punched in the top.

"What's in your box?" asked the friend.

"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've beendreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catchthem."

"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.

"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

2、I think that I'm a chicken  我是一只鸡

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始的。

3、I Am Acting Like a Lady  我要表现得像位女士

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast DepartmentStore, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soonfound himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and armsflailing, he plowed through the crowed.

"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't youact like a gentleman?"

"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like agentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像位绅士吗？”

“听着，”他说，“我过去一小时一直表现得像一位绅士。从现在起，我要表现得像位女士。”

4、The Broom Seller and the Barber    卖扫帚的人和理发师

A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. Thebarber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for theprice of it.

"Two pence," said the man.

"No, no," said the barber, "I will give you a penny,and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."

The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

"A penny." said the barber.

"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, youmay put my beard on again."

一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面。理发师向他买了一把扫帚。当理发师给他修完面后，问了一下扫帚的价钱。

卖扫帚的人说：“两便士。”

“不，不。”理发师说，“我只出一便士。如果你认为不够的话，可以把扫帚拿回去。”

卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚，随后问修面要付多少钱。

卖扫帚的人说：“我只能给你半个便士，如果你认为不够的话，你可以把胡子再替我装上。”

5、Want a Day Off   想请一天假

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office."Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at hometomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, movingand hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the bossreplies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss,"says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导。“老板，”斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了。”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，”史密斯说，“我果然没信错人。”

6、I Lost   我输了

It was at a five o’clock tea. A young man came tothe hostess to apologize for his lateness.

“So good of you to come, Mr. Jones, and where isyour brother?”

“You see we're very busy in the office and only oneof us could come, so we tossed up for it.”

“How nice! And so original, too! And you won?”

“No,” said the young man absently, “I lost.”

五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

“您知道我们公司很忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

“太有意思了！还那么有创意！那您赢了？”

“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”

7、The Old Cat  老猫

An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old.One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.

Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years,and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old,but remember what good work the old did when they were young."

一位老妇有只猫，这只猫很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了东西，因为它年纪太大了。一天，老猫发现一只老鼠，它跳过去抓这只老鼠，然而，它咬不住这只老鼠。因此，老鼠从它的嘴边溜掉了，因为老猫咬不了它。于是，老妇很生气，因为老猫没有把老鼠咬死。她开始打这只猫，猫说：“不要打你的老仆人，我已经为你服务了很多年，而且还愿意为你效劳，但是，我实在太老了，对年纪大的不要这么无情，要记住老年人在年青时所做过的有益的事情。

8、There Good Friends    三个好朋友

One day, a monkey rides his bike near the river. This time he sees a lion under a tree. The lion runs at him. He is afraid and falls into the river. He can’t swim. He shouts. The rabbit hears him. He jumps into the river. The rabbit swims to the monkey, but he can’t help him. Luckily, an elephant comes along. He is very strong. He helps the rabbit and monkey. Three friends are very happy. They go to the elephant’s home. Then, three of them become good friends。

一天，一只猴子在河边骑车。这时他看见树下有一只狮子，狮子向他跑来。他非常的害怕，掉进河里。他不会游泳，大叫起来。兔子听见了，跳进水里，但他却没有办法救猴子。幸运的是，一只大象过来了。大象非常强壮，救出了兔子和猴子。他们来到大象的家，在那里吃了一顿大餐。从此他们成了好朋友。

有。笑味集很多英语哥的视频

He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。Logic Reasoning A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?" 逻辑推理 小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？” [注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。” The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon. As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congreg ation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise." Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it." 瞌睡者 牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来！”打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" 只剩一个引擎 一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”