洋洋怕狗子
讲 故事 几乎是世界上最古老的一门艺术,既是一种和人类生存发展攸关的 文化 娱乐活动,又是一种鲜活的即兴创作 教育 。我精心收集了适合大学生的 英语故事 ，供大家欣赏学习!适合大学生的英语故事：It Was an Worthless Clock It was an old clock, but it still told the correct time. The face had a faded picture of Andy’s parents taken when they were newlyweds. Aside from some photos, the clock was the only mementoAndy had of his mom and dad. His father died of cancer in 1964. Then his mom moved to a private nursing home. She had many friends there. The nursing home, however, went bankrupt. They moved her into a state nursing home. She hated it there. She asked Andy to help her move into a private nursing home again. She had spent most of her husband’s savings on living expenses at the first nursing home. Andy said he would try. But Andy had no savings. He was a sergeant in the Army, and all his money went to his wife and three kids. He called his older brother Frank, who was single and had a great job. Frank was anavid deep-sea fisherman and was interested in buying a large boat for weekend use. “Frank, I don’t have the money now, but you do,” Andy pleaded. “Just pay for Mom and I’ll owe you for half of the nursing home costs.” “You’ll owe me? You don’t have two nickels to rub together, and probably never will. I’ll get stuck for the whole bill. What about my boat?” “What boat?” “Never mind. Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you.” Frank never did send his mom the money to move into a private nursing home. Alone and unhappy, she died in the state nursing home only a year later. Andy never forgave his brother. Many years went by. Frank’s health declined. He called up Andy one day. “Andy, I feel really bad about not helping out Mom. I was too interested in getting that boat. The older I’ve gotten, the more guilt I feel. My days are numbered, Andy. I was wondering if you would send me that clock, just for a little while. I want to beg Mom to forgive me.” Andy was very reluctant to part with his clock, but he did feel a little sorry for Frank. Frank died ten months later. One of Frank’s nieces, Flo, was the executor of his estate. Flo had hired a lawyer to help her Uncle Frank rewrite his will in his dying days. Strangely enough, Flo got everything. She made sure Uncle Frank was buried a day after his death. No announcement was made about his funeral, which Flo kept private—at the 20-minute service, Flo was the only mourner. Flo sold Uncle Frank’s house, car, and boat within the week. Everything of lesser value went to a charity. His cash and stocks, of course, were already safely in her name. When Andy discovered that his brother had died, he called Flo to ask about his clock. “Oh,” she said, “that went to charity with everything else. You didn’t really want that old thing, did you, Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy? Hello?” Well, that was rude, she thought. 适合大学生的英语故事：Collecting Seashells aria and Lisa were best friends. They shared a two-bedroom apartment in Hollywood. Maria was a clerk at a clothing store, and Lisa was a clerk at a supermarket. Their hours varied, so they didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time together. But last weekend both were off work. “Let’s go to the beach,” suggested Maria. “That’s a good idea,” agreed Lisa. “Which one?” “Well, I would prefer an uncrowded beach, because I think I’ve put on a few pounds recently. I don’t want any boys seeing my fat.” “Oh, please,” said Lisa. “You eat so little. Ounces don’t turn into pounds. How about Zuma Beach? That’s pretty far north of Santa Monica Beach, so it’s just right—not too crowded and not too empty.” “That sounds good,” said Maria. The drive to the beach took more than an hour. When they got there, the hot and sunny Hollywood weather had become cool, windy, and overcast beach weather. Both of them had been to the beach many times before, so they were not surprised by the change in weather. They put on their jackets, shoes, and socks, and headed north to hunt for seashells. Within an hour they had collected about 20 beautiful shells into a plastic bag. They were still walking slowly north when they heard a roar. They turned around to see a four-wheel All Terrain Vehicle coming rapidly toward them. The driver braked at the last moment. Sand flew onto the two girls. They both screamed. The driver was wearing a jacket that said Beach Patrol. He got off the ATV and started yelling at them. “What are you two doing here? Can’t you read? The signs say Private Property. They say NoTrespassing. Get out of here before I write you a ticket and have you arrested.” “What’s your name?” Maria stood defiantly. “I’m going to report you to the police. You’re not a real patrol officer. This is a public beach. Those signs are phony signs put up by homeowners who think they own the beach.” “My name is John Smith. Report me to whoever you want. Now get out of here or you’ll be sorry.” “You can’t make us leave. This is a public beach!” yelled Maria. The man got back onto his ATV and started driving in circles around the women. The ATV was spraying sand and water all over them. He was laughing. They started running back south. When the ATV driver saw that they were leaving, he drove off. “John Smith. A phony name to go with a phony uniform,” said Maria when they slowed down to a walk. “We’re going to the police station and make a complaint. I hope they put him in jail.” A few minutes later, Lisa asked, “Where are the shells?” “Oh, gee, in all the excitement I left them back there. I’m sorry.” “No problem,” replied Lisa. “There’s plenty of seashells in the sea.” “Yeah, just like there’s plenty of jerks on the shore.” 适合大学生的英语故事：Schoolboys Get Five-Finger Travis and Paul were best friends and in the ninth grade. They didn’t like anything about school except the girls and the baseball. They were both on the junior high baseball team. Both wanted to be major league baseball players when they grew up. On Thursday, baseball practice lasted for two hours after school. After practice, Travis and Paul were hungry and thirsty. Between them, they had $2.05. There was a small grocery store three blocks from the school. “What can we buy for only $2?” asked Travis. “We could split a soda and a candy bar,” replied Paul. “That’s going to be hard to do, since I like orange soda and you like root beer,” said Travis. “And I hate peanuts in candy bars and you love them,” said Paul. As they approached the store, they were still thinking about their problem. One solution, of course, was for one of them to pick the soda and the other to pick the candy bar. The problem with that solution would be that one of them would still be thirsty and the other would still be hungry. “Wait a minute,” said Paul. “I’ve got an idea.” They stopped, and Paul told Travis his idea. Mr. Cobb was the store owner. He had no use for kids. They were little people with little money. His eyes narrowed as he saw the boys approaching the store. After they entered the store, Travis walked over to the big cooler that was filled with ice andsodas. Paul walked over to the candy bar section. “Mr. Cobb, you don’t have any orange soda,” Travis said. “Yes, I do. Just dig a little. You’ll find one.” Travis dug for a minute. “I still can’t find one.” “Are you blind? I’ll be right there.” Mr. Cobb started digging through the ice. Paul immediately put two candy bars into his trousers’baggy pockets. He patted the pockets down a little bit. “Look! Orange soda! What did I tell you?” “Thank you, sir,” Travis said. As Travis was paying for the orange soda and the root beer, Mr. Cobb looked at Paul. “You’re not buying anything?” “No, sir. We just wanted some sodas.” “Then why were you looking at the candy bars?” “Just to see if you got any new brands, sir.” Mr. Cobb’s narrow eyes got narrower as they moved slowly from Paul’s eyes to his shirt, to his pants, and to his shoes. “If I ever catch you stealing from me, I’ll chop off your hands, you hear me?” For emphasis, Mr. Cobb reached down beneath the countertop and pulled out a butcher knife, sharp and shiny. Both boys were startled. They ran out of the store. “Come back here. You forgot your change!” Mr. Cobb yelled at them.
余文文214
1、Wife: "How would you describe me?"
妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.
Wife: "What does that mean?"
妻子：那是什么意思?
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
丈夫：开个玩笑!
2、What has one eye but cannot see?
什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?
A needle.
针。
3、What dog can jump higher than a building?
什么狗比大楼跳的还高?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!
任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。
4、What has a head, a tail, and no body?
什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?
A coin!
硬币。
5、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。
One boy throws his bag out the window.
一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。
Teacher: who just threw that?!
老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
男孩：我!我现在要回家了。
lunaseayoyo
英语笑话（一）Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。英语笑话（三）Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。英语笑话（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。英语笑话（七）Advice for "Kid" A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid." 忠告“年轻者” 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话， 千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”英语笑话（八）Which woman? One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield." My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?" 哪一位女人？ 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." 医生住在楼下 “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。 “我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。” 他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”英语笑话（十）One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" 只剩一个引擎 一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
静静地过
相关的资料给你做参考吧，但不是你要交的作文哦，还是自己试着写一些呵呵。Interesting Things at College We all are very aware of the fact that college students work hard, dedicate themselves, and find little time for relaxation. Many use their extra time to work outside of college or perhaps enjoy a sporting event or two. Every place has a bit of humor attached to it or our existence would be very boring. College students find that humor really lights up once in awhile perhaps in an announcement or by a lecture by one of the teachers. In any case we thought that it might prove to be interesting to put out a bit of humor that some of the college students have encountered over the years. Please still laugh even if you heard these jokes before, ha, ha, my boss might be listening. Every year the Dean address’s the freshmen class about the dormitory rules. The rules are simply put guys stay out of the girl’s dorm and girls stay out of the guy’s dorm. This year the Dean added that the facility had decided to fine anyone who breaks the rule. The first offense he stated will cost you $25, the second offense will cost you $50 and the third time will cost you a much heftier fine of $200. Then he ended by asking if there were any questions? One of the boys piped up, “How much for a season pass?” At that the Dean realized the fining would not be appropriate. Next we are going to go to one of the favorite places that normally everyone attends on campus beside the cafeteria it is the Computer Lab. Now the Computer Lab can be very scary and intimidating for those of us who are not very computer savvy. Those who are familiar with the surroundings using the lab on a day to day basis are apt to poke fun or become annoying just distract or cause us to lose computer time. Computer Lab Annoying Tips Type very frantically, then stop, and look at the person next to you with an evil glean in your eye. Complain to the monitor on duty that your computer will not work, but make sure that it is turned off first. Why not connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with to find out the expressions on the faces of others. You can write a program that plays the theme song of one of the old TV programs like Green Acres and play it over and over at a very high volume. One of the most frightening things to the person next to you is to ask them if they know how to type into the top secret files at the Pentagon. Then tell them you do can you use their terminal for a while. These are really corny ways to be annoying but some people find that just reading them makes a person laugh.
芯是酸的
The Policeman and the ThiefOnce, a new policeman caught a thief in a small town, and decided to bring him back to the police station in the city. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold. “ We have no food, and we must be hungry after a while. Let me go into the shop and buy some bread for us. Wait here for me.” The thief said.The policeman agreed with him and waited in the street for a long time , but thief didn’t come out of the shop. The policeman began to be worried ,and ran into the shop, he couldn’t see the thief but the back door of the shop.The policeman had to go back to the police station alone, and he was very unhappy.Luckily, the policeman caught the thief at the same place the next day. When they walked though the same street and the same shop, “ Wait here,” said the policeman “ Last time you ran away from the shop. This time , I’ll go into the shop and buy the bread , and you must wait here for me.”警察与小偷一次， 一个新上任的警察在小镇上抓住了一个小偷，他决定把这小偷押送bai到城里警察局去。在路上，他们路过了一家面包店。“我们没带吃的，待会儿肯定会饿的，让我去给咱们买点面包。你在这等等我啊。”小偷说道。警察同意了，并在街上等了很长一段时间，但是，小偷一直没有从商店出来。警察开始担心了，他跑进商店，除了一扇开着的后门，他什么也没看见。警察不得不很郁闷地独自回到了警察局。幸运的是第二天，他在同一地方又抓住了那小偷。当他们路过同一条街，同一家商店时，“在这等着我，”警察说道，“上次，你从这家商店溜了，这次，我去买面包，你必须在这等我！”
