英文笑话网站

1 When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!""I wasn't asleep," the man answered."Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.""I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."我没有睡着当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”2 The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”3 Where is the father?Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."父亲在哪儿？兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”4 Does the dog know the proverb, too?The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"狗也知道这个谚语吗？一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”5 But the teacher criedThe six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door."Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"可是老师哭了六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”6 Logic ReasoningA fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic."Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"逻辑推理小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。7 The doctor lives downstairs"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."医生住在楼下“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”8 Bring me the winner-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.-- Well, bring me the winner then.给我那个打赢的吧-- 服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。9 Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.我的狗不识字布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

1.regret Little George was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. “I've lost 5 pence,” sobbed George. “Never mind,” said his dad kindly, “Here's another 5 pence for you.” At which George howled louder that ever. “Now what is it?” asked his dad. “I wish I'd said I'd lost 10 pence!” He Knows the Answer2.他知道答案Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.Who Should be Given the Present?3.礼物该给谁？A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There 4.Scales A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help.""Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers. 5.The boy's viewpoint A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group ofhappy and cheering children carrying schoolbags with the caption at thebottom: "On Their Way To School"."It must be mistaken, I bet. They must be on their way home after school. I'm sure of this." the boy concluded.6.The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:"Gentlemen,order!"The entire class yelled:"Beer!"7.Policeman:You cannot park here. Driver:Why not? Policeman:Read that sign. Driver:I did.It says,"Fine for parking."So I parked.8.The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

Whose dog is smarter? 谁的狗更聪明？Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.两个女人在为谁家的狗更聪明而争吵。First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. 第一个女人说：“我的狗太聪明了，每天早上它等着送报童，然后把拿着报纸送给我。”Second Woman : "I know..." 第二个女人说：“我知道……”First Woman : "How?" 第一个女人说：“你怎么知道？”Second Woman : "My dog told me." 第二个女人说：“我家的狗告诉我的。”idiot 白痴（傻瓜） Smith: " I keep hearing the word ' idiot '. I hope you are not referring to me." 史密斯：“我不停地听到‘白痴’一词，我希望你指得并不是我。” Jones: " Don't be so conceited. As if there are no other idiots in the world." 琼斯：“别自以为是啦（别逞强拉）。你以为世上就没有其他人是白痴啦!”

ONLY A FEW WORDS At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. Don't you speak English at all? the judge asks. Only a few words, replies the mugger. What words do you know? Your purse or your life! 几个英语词 法庭上法官正审问一个抢劫犯，由于该犯是一个不会说英语的外国人，审问很困难。你一点英语都不会说吗？法官问。我只会说几个词。抢劫犯回答。 你会说哪几个词？ 你是要钱还

1：巨蛋拆除公司（注意：[1]为了方便查看，“我”→这个“人称代词”主格一律用大写。[2]里面是纯正的美式口语，可能不一定符合我们的阅读习惯。）①、叮咚。呆伯特：“狗伯特，去开门看是谁？”（1）、Ding Dong.Daibote：“Dogbert， see who's at the door.”②、工人：“嘿，我是‘巨蛋拆除公司’的，我奉命派来拆除这栋房子。”（2）、Worker：“Hi. I’m from the ‘Big Ball Wrecking Company.’ I have a work order to de-stroy this house.”③、狗伯特：“你好像走错了，这儿是核桃大街，核桃街是在另一头。”（3）、Dogbert：“Looks like you have the wrong address， this is Walnut Avenue， Walnut Street is clear across town.”④、工人：“真不巧！我没工夫老远开到那头去。”（4）、Worker：“oh phlegm! Idon't have time to drive way over there.”⑤、工人：“那我就把这房子铲平，你看不会太打扰吧？”（5）、Worker：“Wouid it be a bother if I just leveled this house instead?”⑥、狗伯特：“有点不太方便，试试隔壁强生家吧。”（6）、Dogbert：“That would be a tad inconvenient. Yry the Johnsons， next door.”⑦、呆伯特：“什么声音这么吵？”狗伯特：“强生家好像没人在。”（7）、Daibote：“What was that loud noise?”Dogbert：“Apparently the Johnsons aren't home.”2：教学录像带①、狗伯特：“这盘录像带你已经反复看了好几天了。”（1）、Dogbert：“You've been watching this video tape over and over for days.”②、呆伯特：“这网球教学录像带真棒，看着看着我已感到球技精进不少。”（2）、Daibote：“These tennis instruction tapes are great， I can just feel my game improving as I watch.”③、呆伯特：“其实，我觉得自己根本没必要上场打球了。”（3）、Daibote：“in fact， Isee no need to actually physically play the game ever again.”3：大布丁①、狗伯特：“也许我该著书立传。”（1）、Dogbert：“Maybe I should write a book.”②、狗伯特：“不……或许我只是该读书。”（2）、Dogbert：“Nah……maybe I should just read a book.”③、狗伯特：“或许看看电视周刊就得了……”狗伯特：“还是看看电视，有什么就看什么，然后变成又蠢又肥的大布丁。”（3）、Dogbert：“maybe I'll just read the TV guide……”Dogbert：“Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding……”4：伪装大人①、呆伯特：“有时候觉得自己外表虽然是大人，内心其实是个小孩，希望没人会发觉。”（1）、Daibote：“Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body， hoping no-body notices.”②、呆伯特：“好像一过十四岁就停止发育，开始伪装大人。”（2）、Daibote：“It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen.”③、呆伯特：“女人一定不这么感觉，我打赌。”妻子：“讨厌鬼。”（3）、Daibote：“I'll bet women never feel that way.”Wife：“Cooties.”（注：cooties原意是虱子，在此是孩童间的口语，当某孩子不喜欢和另一个孩子一块玩或坐在一起时，就可以说cooties或He has cooties.）5：给我站住①、男售货员：“小子，给我站住！”（1）、Salesman：“Hold it right there， fella!”②、呆伯特：“噢！……你一定是看到我吃了‘B’走道的葡萄。”男售货员：“我只是提醒你付钱。”（2）、Daibote：“Uh-oh…… You must have seen me eat that grape in aisle ‘B’.”Salesman：“I just want to make sure you pay for it.”③、男售货员：“好像192磅，来之前呢？”呆伯特：“真舒服。”（3）、Salesman：“Looks like 192pounds. What were you before you came in?”Daibote：“Happy~~~~~~~~.”6：人鱼之斗①、呆伯特：“好友，钓鱼不过是人鱼之斗。”（1）、Daibote：“It's just man against fish out here， my friend.”②、呆伯特：“只不过以我超高的智慧、设备及体力，实在有点胜之不武。”（2）、Daibote：“Although it's a bit of a mismatch、 with my su-perior brain， equip-ment and strength.”③、狗伯特：“哇，他还会滑水哩！”（3）、Dogbert：“Boy， all that and he can water-ski， too.”7：高尔夫基因①、狗伯特：“科学家已发现使人爱上高尔夫的基因了。”（1）、Dogbert：“Scientists have discov-ered the gene that makes some people love golf.”②、呆伯特：“如何辨认是高尔夫基因呢？”（2）、Daibote：“How can they tell it's the golf gene?”③、狗伯特：“有方格图案且非常不老实。”呆伯特：“吸取科学新知，靠你，我就完了。”（3）、Dogbert：“It's plaid and it lies.”Daibote：“I probably shouldn't rely on you for my science updates.”

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".Let me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ." "Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know." 为我所用 一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。” “请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。参考资料：还有一个不错的网址：

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

还不错把 里面的笑话很好的 啊！